Prom: A step by step guide for how to react when your limo breaks down, Part 1:

Prom was always going to be a little awkward for me because in high school I was fat. I feel mean saying that about another human being, even if it’s just myself, but we have to be honest with ourselves. I was pretty lucky though, I was not ridiculed or teased very often. It might have been because I’ve always been a generally nice person, who gets along with almost everyone. However, I think it’s because I dressed like this:

Pimpin’ ain’t easy

(Full disclosure time: I went to the internet to look at pimp quotes when I first saw this picture, and I found a lot of gems at this website: Pimpsandhoessociety.org.uk

The pimp quotes are under the “pimpology” section, where you can also get, “Hoe Slapping Practice”. )

Anyways, about prom, when it’s prom time at a 5A high school, shit gets real. Everyone goes. Well, supposedly there is an “Anti-prom”. During high school, I think I assumed that all the kids who went to that smoked, drank alcohol, and had an anti-conformist devil orgy. Now though, I think it was mostly just a small group of kids who got together for 4 hours on the night of prom, brooded, and talked about how much prom was probably sucking.

I should say that there are reasons not to go to prom. There are legitimate ways in which it can be not very fun, but I personally wanted to fit in and have a blast. I wanted to have a normal, girlish, happy prom experience. But by that point in life, I should have known that “normal” wasn’t exactly in my wheelhouse. Here are pictures from some of my other public school dance appearances:

A dance for the theatre department. I think there was a costume theme. I’m wearing tube socks, so evidently my costume was, “horrible formal accessories.”

This is the scariest photo of me on record. This was taken after a choir dance. Not only am I obviously just pouring sweat from every skin cell, but I can’t imagine the person who started to take this photo, looked at the camera’s display, and thought, “Should I wait until Tara get’s that drunk insanity look off her face? Nah.”

Oh, another thing that I should mention about me, is that I frequently want to take pictures with ridiculous faces and poses. I also frequently forget to tell this to the other people in the photo with me.

I was always surrounded by cool people at these dances:

Another thing about me is that usually when the other person wants to be silly in the photo, I have no idea.

I’m not trying to make a silly face in this photo, that’s just the normal, creepy way I look if I smile and raise my eyebrows at the same time. I like to think I look a little like Jack Nicholson in the shining right after he bashes the bathroom door in with an axe.

The joke here was that Tim(the man solemnly rubbing my stomach) wanted to mock the pose of the couple next to us in a comedic fashion. I didn’t realize this until about three years later, and consequently was confused and baffled by this photo.  

Whatever these photo’s make you think, I had a lot of generally fun, sweaty experiences at high school dances. There were a lot of electric slides, a lot of Macarena’s, and a lot of sitting sadly in the corner every time they played a slow couples song, and I had no partner.

That was all going to change for prom though. It was one thing to go alone and wear the same lavender dress and tube socks to every OTHER dance, but prom was the big one. I made my mind up months in advance that no matter what happened, I was going to have a kick ass dress, and I was going to have a kick ass date.

The dress was the first problem. Like I’ve alluded to earlier, I was pretty fat in high school. So obviously I wasn’t going to find a dress at dillards. It’s at moments like this that I really have to hand it to my mother. She took me to TONS of places. And it wasn’t a fun, “Hehehe, prom dresses are awesome, yay!” shopping trip, it was more like a sad, documentary-film-about-obesity shopping trip. If the camera crew from TLC had been with us, it would have been a very depressing episode of “Say yes to the dress”. After finding nothing, and feeling discouraged, my mom told me that she would make my prom dress.

I decided on bright, shiny hot pink. Because as someone who already stuck out from the crowd, I recognized that subtlety at this formal event was important.

If you’re having trouble finding me, I’m standing at the end of this photo. Also, the limo behind us is not in working order. But we’ll get to that later.  

I got the works for prom, too. It was the second time in my life that I’ve gotten my hair professionally fixed, I got special makeup from the counter at the department store, and I got my eyebrows waxed.

The eyebrow waxing was a particularly special experience for me. First, because I had been growing two caterpillars on my forehead and the transformation of my brow was truly stunning. Second, I got it done in what seemed like the laundry closet of a small Chinese nail salon. The specialist that did the job ushered me into a tiny backroom, and spent the whole experience having a passive aggressive discussion with her boyfriend on speaker phone.

See? She did a good job, but I don’t know how things turned out between her and her boyfriend.

Check out part two, where I secure my prom date, rip my dress, and Tim (stomach ruby-guy from before) spends the entirety of prom asking other people for a ride home.

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