I know. We are only a few weeks into Tara Tuesday and I am cheating already. I dropped the ball. But life is so busy, you have no idea! I’m doing Halloween stuff, and church stuff, and it’s all fun stuff that I plan to tell you about, but just not right now. And as it turns out, reviewing a book means that you need to actually read the whole book. I am almost done with Fifty Shades of Grey, and I promise that the review is coming, but meanwhile, let me tell you about how I’m suddenly popular with the men of the world, and how dating has worked out for me in the past.
Let’s see, how can I phrase this delicately…
Lately, a bunch of the guys I know have been all like, “Hey gurl, let me holla at yah.” A lot of men in this world are suddenly interested in me, and that’s never happened before. I think it’s because the men of the world have been seeing a lot more of me like this:
I got my mom to stand on the stairs to take this photo. If she stands on the floor it looks like she’s looking up and taking a photo of a giant.
Wonder Woman is an Amazon who is six feet tall. The choice seemed appropriate, notice how much taller I am than the fridge.
And less of me looking like this:
A photo in my mom’s computer from high school. I kid you not, the file name for this picture is, “Tara Grossest”. I’m not mad. She’s right.
I don’t even know how to handle this new attention. What’s that you say? “It’s pretty easy Tara. You can’t really get it wrong.” Oh, trust me, I’ve gotten it wrong many times.
I won’t tell you all of my dating stories, let’s just go over the highlights. First of all, I have asked out a man three different times. Oh, and I mean a different man each time, not like there’s this one guy who I keep awkwardly propositioning. Now because I was brave enough to do so, I feel comfortable saying this to men: it does not count to ask out a girl over the phone, or via email. Get it over with, do it in person, just like I did. After that initial point though, do not follow my example.
Remember in my prom posts when I told you how sometimes when I’m attracted to someone, the idea just builds and builds and builds, until I finally just have to deal with it, and blurt out feelings and confessions no matter what the circumstance? It’s like a sickness. All forethought and planning fly out the window. I always PLAN to ask out guys when I’m at my best, looking something like this:
Oh I’m not wearing makeup, this is how my face always looks
But because of my condition listed above, the exact opposite always seems to happen. That is why once I ended up telling a man that I was interested in him immediately after sweaty cardio exercise, while I was wearing sweat pants. Another time in college, I ambushed my crush in the library and asked him out with no preamble whatsoever, un-showered and in sweat pants. The only good thing about these stories is that they’re making you think that I exercise a lot.
Awwwww yeah, you know you want this.
But you know what? This is all making it seem like I have always been woefully unsuccessful, or that men have never asked ME out, and that is not the case! Like I said, I’m a hot momma, it’s just very well disguised sometimes.
Once, while I was working at target I got asked out by an ex-employee. Now, what I’m about to say is going to sound really mean, but it’s basically true: Target had two types of employees. Normal people, and creepy/socially inept people who only worked before the store opened, and then disappeared to the backroom during business hours. This was not a policy that was official, or that I invented or indorsed, but it was pretty noticeable.
“Hold on, don’t unlock the doors yet, Clubed-foot Jimmy hasn’t gone back into the stock room yet!”
The boy that asked me out was one of those socially-inept people. He was also a little creepy. I don’t remember his name now, but let’s call him Michael. Michael quit target, and then for some reason, he continued to come in the store every day, and just hang out, having awkward conversation with the employees. One day I was working in the deli, in the middle of cutting meat for a customer. The customer was actively talking to me, and I was cutting up roast beef. This is not a situation that I consider ideal for propositioning a woman. Michael must have thought differently, because he rushed up to the counter one day, interrupted my customer, and this happened,
Me: “No thank you.”
Michael: “Are you sure? Just friends?”
Me: “No thank you!”
Michael: “Ok then. Just friends.” Then he walked away, and I stifled the urge to crawl under the counter and die.
Customer: “You handled that very well. “
Shortly after that, Michael got kicked out of target for threatening employees. Soul mate opportunity missed I guess.
I should tell you about some of my dates though. Did I ever follow up on that OKcupid post, and tell you that I finally went on a date with a guy? Would you like to hear that story? I thought you might.
Back in September, one of the guys on the website really started pushing for me to give him my number. I was feeling hesitant because I had started to develop an interest in a guy that I knew in real life, so I was beginning to feel a little lukewarm about the online dating thing anyways. But he was persistent. There were a lot of over-the –top compliments, and I finally decided to just go ahead and go for it. See what the experience would be like.
This guy’s user name on OKcupid was supposed to be, “The Fashionable”, but he had misspelled it, so whenever he sent me a message my email would light up with, “TheFahionable has sent you a message!” So that’s what we’ll be calling him for the rest of the story. I finally gave my number to The Fahionable, and he called me a couple of times. We had decent conversations, The Fahionable really liked to talk about himself and his work, so he really only needed little nudges from me to keep the conversation rolling.
Finally The Fahionable said that we ought to go out. I set very firm parameters. We would meet in a well lit public place, and if we liked each other, we would go from there. I followed my best friend Megan’s advice when it came to this matter, which was, “Go out on a date Tara, that’s what the site is there for, to spur dates and relationships. Don’t die though.”
Looking back now, I don’t know what I was thinking with my outfit. I was trying to go for dignified but girlishly cute. Casual, but still put together. Elegant but simple. So I paired a white pearl necklace and earrings, with these old favorites:
Because screw fashion sense and attractiveness!
I was a little nervous about the date, but I was already absolutely sure about two things, 1.There was absolutely no chance that I was going sleep with this guy tonight, (because you know, not a slut), and 2.There was absolutely no chance that I was going to get in his car and go anywhere with him.
I was so nervous that I went a little crazy, and in my opinion, was a little TOO thoughtful. I was worried that The fahionable would be mad if he was looking for bow-chicka-bow-bow, and I didn’t deliver, so I arrived at the coffee shop early and bought my own tea, so he would not be burdened with paying for me.
You mean we’re not having sex in your car after this? $4.79 down the drain…
Is that totally irrational? Yes. But so was pairing sneakers with the same jewelry that you wear to fancy cocktail parties.
I had chosen a standard table to sit at, with a chair on each side, but The Fahionable said to me, “Hey, you want to go sit on those stools by the window so it’s more intimate?”
Now, the sassy, feminist, “wise to your game” Tara, did NOT want to go be intimate by the window, but the docile, trusting, “eager to please” Tara said, “Ok…I guess that’s cool.”
Our date went a lot like our phone conversations, with him talking a lot, and me occasionally offering witty remarks. Except that now in person he could clap his palm on my arm/shoulder/knee/thigh. His stool was too close to mine. He kept touching me. He referenced his activity and “friends” from other dating sites a lot. The Fahionable worked in film, and about 15 minutes into the date he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place to “look at some of his work.” Megan’s voice screamed in my head, “Don’t get kidnapped and die!” So I graciously declined.
Our date didn’t last that much longer than that because he was clearly looking only for this:
Just so you know, finding tame sex related photos on google is a scary business…
While I was looking for this:
Although to be fair, happily ever after probably was not going to happen with someone who can’t spell the word, “fashionable”.
We ended the date after The Fahionable told me that I should friend him on facebook so that he could “gaze at me from afar.” Then he never called me again, and could be gazing at me as we speak.
What he has to gaze at. Mmmmm If I were a man I’d want some of that too.
That is all for today! I am sorry for the long absence, the 10 of you who look at this! I SWEAR that I am almost done with Fifty Shades, and am very much looking forward to making fun of it.
See? This is my copy. The pink tabs are for when the sex happens. The other tabs are for when the book is ridiculous and awful.