Where I wear sweat pants when I ask people out, and then wear converse on dates

Tara…Wednesday!!!

I know. We are only a few weeks into Tara Tuesday and I am cheating already. I dropped the ball. But life is so busy, you have no idea! I’m doing Halloween stuff, and church stuff, and it’s all fun stuff that I plan to tell you about, but just not right now. And as it turns out, reviewing a book means that you need to actually read the whole book. I am almost done with Fifty Shades of Grey, and I promise that the review is coming, but meanwhile, let me tell you about how I’m suddenly popular with the men of the world, and how dating has worked out for me in the past.

Let’s see, how can I phrase this delicately…

Lately, a bunch of the guys I know have been all like, “Hey gurl, let me holla at yah.” A lot of men in this world are suddenly interested in me, and that’s never happened before. I think it’s because the men of the world have been seeing a lot more of me like this:

I got my mom to stand on the stairs to take this photo. If she stands on the floor it looks like she’s looking up and taking a photo of a giant.

Wonder Woman is an Amazon who is six feet tall. The choice seemed appropriate, notice how much taller I am than the fridge.

And less of me looking like this:

A photo in my mom’s computer from high school. I kid you not, the file name for this picture is, “Tara Grossest”. I’m not mad. She’s right.

 I don’t even know how to handle this new attention. What’s that you say? “It’s pretty easy Tara. You can’t really get it wrong.” Oh, trust me, I’ve gotten it wrong many times.

I won’t tell you all of my dating stories, let’s just go over the highlights. First of all, I have asked out a man three different times. Oh, and I mean a different man each time, not like there’s this one guy who I keep awkwardly propositioning. Now because I was brave enough to do so, I feel comfortable saying this to men:  it does not count to ask out a girl over the phone, or via email. Get it over with, do it in person, just like I did. After that initial point though, do not follow my example.

Remember in my prom posts when I told you how sometimes when I’m attracted to someone, the idea just builds and builds and builds, until I finally just have to deal with it, and blurt out feelings and confessions no matter what the circumstance? It’s like a sickness. All forethought and planning fly out the window. I always PLAN to ask out guys when I’m at my best, looking something like this:

Oh I’m not wearing makeup, this is how my face always looks

But because of my condition listed above, the exact opposite always seems to happen.  That is why once I ended up telling a man that I was interested in him immediately after sweaty cardio exercise, while I was wearing sweat pants. Another time in college, I ambushed my crush in the library and asked him out with no preamble whatsoever, un-showered and in sweat pants. The only good thing about these stories is that they’re making you think that I exercise a lot.

Awwwww yeah, you know you want this.

But you know what? This is all making it seem like I have always been woefully unsuccessful, or that men have never asked ME out, and that is not the case! Like I said, I’m a hot momma, it’s just very well disguised sometimes.

Hot.Momma.

Once, while I was working at target I got asked out by an ex-employee. Now, what I’m about to say is going to sound really mean, but it’s basically true: Target had two types of employees. Normal people, and creepy/socially inept people who only worked before the store opened, and then disappeared to the backroom during business hours. This was not a policy that was official, or that I invented or indorsed, but it was pretty noticeable.

“Hold on, don’t unlock the doors yet, Clubed-foot Jimmy hasn’t gone back into the stock room yet!”

The boy that asked me out was one of those socially-inept people. He was also a little creepy. I don’t remember his name now, but let’s call him Michael. Michael quit target, and then for some reason, he continued to come in the store every day, and just hang out, having awkward conversation with the employees. One day I was working in the deli, in the middle of cutting meat for a customer. The customer was actively talking to me, and I was cutting up roast beef. This is not a situation that I consider ideal for propositioning a woman. Michael must have thought differently, because he rushed up to the counter one day, interrupted my customer, and this happened,

Michael: “HEYTARADOYOUWANTTOGOOUTSOMETIME?”

Me:

Customer:

Me: “No thank you.”

Michael: “Are you sure? Just friends?”

Me: “No thank you!”

Michael: “Ok then. Just friends.”  Then he walked away, and I stifled the urge to crawl under the counter and die.

Customer: “You handled that very well. “

Shortly after that, Michael got kicked out of target for threatening employees. Soul mate opportunity missed I guess.

I should tell you about some of my dates though. Did I ever follow up on that OKcupid post, and tell you that I finally went on a date with a guy? Would you like to hear that story? I thought you might.

Back in September, one of the guys on the website really started pushing for me to give him my number. I was feeling hesitant because I had started to develop an interest in a guy that I knew in real life, so I was beginning to feel a little lukewarm about the online dating thing anyways. But he was persistent. There were a lot of over-the –top compliments, and I finally decided to just go ahead and go for it. See what the experience would be like.

This guy’s user name on OKcupid was supposed to be, “The Fashionable”, but he had misspelled it, so whenever he sent me a message my email would light up with, “TheFahionable has sent you a message!” So that’s what we’ll be calling him for the rest of the story. I finally gave my number to The Fahionable, and he called me a couple of times. We had decent conversations, The Fahionable really liked to talk about himself and his work, so he really only needed little nudges from me to keep the conversation rolling.

Finally The Fahionable said that we ought to go out. I set very firm parameters. We would meet in a well lit public place, and if we liked each other, we would go from there. I followed my best friend Megan’s advice when it came to this matter, which was, “Go out on a date Tara, that’s what the site is there for, to spur dates and relationships. Don’t die though.”

Looking back now, I don’t know what I was thinking with my outfit. I was trying to go for dignified but girlishly cute. Casual, but still put together. Elegant but simple. So I paired a white pearl necklace and earrings, with these old favorites:

Because screw fashion sense and attractiveness!

I was a little nervous about the date, but I was already absolutely sure about two things, 1.There was absolutely no chance that I was going sleep with this guy tonight, (because you know, not a slut), and 2.There was absolutely no chance that I was going to get in his car and go anywhere with him.

I was so nervous that I went a little crazy, and in my opinion, was a little TOO thoughtful. I was worried that The fahionable would be mad if he was looking for bow-chicka-bow-bow, and I didn’t deliver, so I arrived at the coffee shop early and bought my own tea, so he would not be burdened with paying for me.

You mean we’re not having sex in your car after this? $4.79 down the drain…

Is that totally irrational? Yes. But so was pairing sneakers with the same jewelry that you wear to fancy cocktail parties.

I had chosen a standard table to sit at, with a chair on each side, but The Fahionable said to me, “Hey, you want to go sit on those stools by the window so it’s more intimate?”

Now, the sassy, feminist, “wise to your game” Tara, did NOT want to go be intimate by the window, but the docile, trusting, “eager to please” Tara said, “Ok…I guess that’s cool.”

Our date went a lot like our phone conversations, with him talking a lot, and me occasionally offering witty remarks. Except that now in person he could clap his palm on my arm/shoulder/knee/thigh. His stool was too close to mine. He kept touching me. He referenced his activity and “friends” from other dating sites a lot. The Fahionable worked in film, and about 15 minutes into the date he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place to “look at some of his work.” Megan’s voice screamed in my head, “Don’t get kidnapped and die!” So I graciously declined.

Our date didn’t last that much longer than that because he was clearly looking only for this:

Just so you know, finding tame sex related photos on google is a scary business…

While I was looking for this:

Although to be fair, happily ever after probably was not going to happen with someone who can’t spell the word, “fashionable”.

We ended the date after The Fahionable told me that I should friend him on facebook so that he could “gaze at me from afar.” Then he never called me again, and could be gazing at me as we speak.

What he has to gaze at. Mmmmm If I were a man I’d want some of that too.

That is all for today! I am sorry for the long absence, the 10 of you who look at this! I SWEAR that I am almost done with Fifty Shades, and am very much looking forward to making fun of it.

See? This is my copy. The pink tabs are for when the sex happens. The other tabs are for when the book is ridiculous and awful.

Later!

-Tara

Tara Tuesday! Where I try to learn to blow dry my hair, and fail utterly

This week, all I have to talk about is just how I make being a woman look more awkward and difficult than it actually is.

1. Actually, first I’m going to mention that I am DOMINATING the world of pinterest. As promised, here are photos of me being crafty:

This may look like just a dollar store vase and tissue paper, but wait for it…

 

OH SNAP! Rainbow vase! Mason jars that aren’t mason jars anymore!!

These are by no means perfect, but…

You know what, just kidding, they totally are. I made some for Halloween, and some just to look cool and girly when they have candles in them. You know who would really love these though? This guy:

Ryan Gosling and I have the same birthday. We’re also both incredibly talented at looking hot.  We should get married, that’s just too many similarities to ignore.

2. Speaking of Pinterest, there is this podcast that I love to listen to called Stuff mom never told you, and one of the podcasters just posted this link about pinterest quotes that are not as inspirational as they should be:

http://stuffmomnevertoldyou.tumblr.com/post/32951447854/words-not-to-live-by-11-questionable-pinterest

Inspired, I found some of my own that appear a little questionable…

There were a lot of “tall girl problems” quotes like this that were kind of insulting. Like I should be ashamed of it, which I resent. Besides, even if a guy is shorter than me, I totally go for it.

 

You! You’re my boyfriend now. You can kick and scream all you want about it, but it’s…it’s gonna happen.

 Here is another gem:

Which is why all interventions for alcoholics should be staged when everyone is drunk. Then everyone will be EXTRA honest.

In college I was friends with all the political people. I myself am a liberal feminist, but when we all ended up having too much to drink at someone’s 21st birthday party one night I started telling everyone, “You know what! You know what…I don’t even care anymore, do whatever you want, let’s get rid of the government, no regulations! FREE MARKET WHOOOOO!!!”

I have not since come out of the closet as a staunch conservative, so I can only assume that MY drunk mind just speaks an insane heart.

Then there’s this one:

Are you sure pinterest? Are you sure that the best make up isn’t this:

 

Again, Ryan Gosling’s future wife.

This is how I did my make up in 7th grade. And actually the pink lip gloss was even more glittery, and the eye shadow was an even brighter purple. Also I just want to make it clear that this was 11 years ago, I am not still doing my make up like this. It was pretty awful. Once in English class my friend Gabe stared at me for a full 30 seconds and finally said, “Your eye shadow is a little too bright.” Thank you Gabe, for saying that, and not the more accurate: “You sort of look like a hooker.”

Also, before we move on, that is the last duck face photo I ever plan to post on this blog.  If I ever do it again, someone please come to my house and slap me.

And finally, this one:

Uhhh, what?  I don’t have a joke for this, it’s just awful.

3. Finally, this is the week that I decided to try to learn to blow dry my hair. I took pictures, of course. I took one of me before, with my hair totally wet, but it looks so gross that I refuse to show it to you. I had a lot of trouble maneuvering the hair dryer, and about halfway through the process I sensed that something was amiss:

That…doesn’t seem quite right. The whole thing turned out a lot poofier than I expected. Then my mom walked into the bathroom to see what was going on, and after watching me for 15 seconds she started laughing.

The finished product. I was like, “Ok hair, don’t be frizzy and poofy.” And my hair was like, “F#&K you Tara.”

Oh and then I forgot I was an adult, and started having too much fun just blowing my hair randomly with the hair dryer.

When I was a little girl my grandma told me that I looked like Janis Joplin. I was offended because she isn’t really attractive…but sometimes evidence can’t be ignored…

So like I said, I make being a woman so much more awkward than it needs to be. Help me, what I am I doing wrong with this whole hair drying thing? It would have been ok if it hadn’t been for the frizz. What am I missing? Is there a product that I am leaving out? Help me friends!

That’s it for today, but make sure to check out my next blog, where we will learn all of the fascinating secrets from Fifty Shades of Grey. I found out that they don’t get down to any funny business until 115 pages in. It was a LONG 115 pages.

Later!

-Tara

Fifty Shades of Grey Review: Part One, where I embarrass myself at ANOTHER store.

Fifty Shades of Grey: The color blind artist who mistakenly buys this book is in for a big surprise.

Ok, so unless you’ve been living under a rock, you must have heard of the novel Fifty Shades of Grey. I heard about it because Cosmo magazine keeps referencing in their articles. In case you are one of those people who haven’t heard of it, it is an erotica novel, and apparently, a pretty steamy one at that. It’s not just a romance novel where the phrase, “His pulsing manhood” appears a number of times. Apparently it gets pretty kinky. EVERYONE has been talking about it.

I decided that since I am a young, hip woman of the world, that I would read this book, and review it for my blog. 

My mom decided that she would read it with me, since we both want to be in the know, and up on all the hip book gossip. So, the other day I casually said that I would go out and get it later that night. At around 8:45pm I remembered this, and I jumped up from the sofa in a dash. I couldn’t remember if Barnes and Noble closed at 9pm or not. I threw on some flip flops and raced to the door. At this point my dad asked me what the big deal was.

Me: “I have to run to Barnes and Noble before it closes and buy Fifty Shades of Grey!”

Dad: “Why?”

Mom:”Tara and I are going to read it. It’s the scandalous book everyone is talking about.”

Me: “And I’m going to write a funny blog review about it.”

Dad: “Oh, so it’s a funny book. Cool”

Me: “Well, no, it’s about Sado-masochism, but I’m going to try to be funny about it. Ok, gotta go!”

Dad:

So I dashed out of the house to go buy an erotica novel in the same way James Bond might dash off to disarm a bomb.

Quick! The bookstore just got the new harlequin!

I got to the store and felt like an idiot because it turns out that they don’t close until 11. Now, like many large cities, San Antonio has more than one Barnes and Noble. The one that I saw this table at:

BUY THIS EROTICA!!!

Was not the one that I went to to actually buy the novel. I walked into the store, and started looking around for the Fifty Shades of Grey table like they had at the other Barnes and Noble. I even told the sales clerk who offered to help me that I didn’t need any help, because I assumed I would stumble upon a table with dozens of copies at any moment. I didn’t.

Eventually I had to give up and go find help. Behind the help desk there was a woman, and a middle aged man. In the same way that I think it is less awkward to go to a female doctor, I figured it would be less awkward to ask another girl about sultry erotica. So I sort of, half hid myself behind a pillar, and tried to make it so that ONLY the woman would see me, and would ask me if I needed help before the man. But of course I’m 6’2, so everyone saw me. The man asked me what I wanted. Blushingly, I asked about Fifty Shades Of Grey. Then this middle aged man gave me a look that made me want to crawl under one of the book tables and die. Then he said, in a hushed voice, “Yes, just go up to the front and they have it behind the counter.”

Ok, so how come one Barnes and Noble has the book laid out where you can literally buy them by the dozen, but the other store makes me buy this novel like we’re exchanging naked magazines under the table?!

Then I blush again as a thought occurs to me: What if this book is steamer than I thought? I had innocently assumed that this was just a slightly sultrier romance novel, but what if it is more than that? I’m about to find out.

Shortly after this I think to myself, “Hey, why don’t I get a couple of romance novels? See what this whole thing is about? I’ll talk about several for my blog.” Obviously romance novels are still very much a popular phenomenon. You can find them at literally any place that sells books.

I didn’t buy any romance novels other than Fifty Shades. I went to my local library. I LOVE the library. If any of the dozen people who read this blog are from San Antonio and don’t have a library card, go and get one right now. They have EVERYTHING. I check out CD’s, movies, comic books, cook books, career books, and….ROMANCE NOVELS! They actually have Fifty Shades of Grey, but there are over 300 holds on it. That means that there are over three hundred people who would have learned all that book’s sexy secrets before me, and that is just unacceptable.

They had a large selection, but I noticed that there seemed to be several common, recurring themes. Here they are.

1.Girl meets, and for some important reason, must seduce rich man, who is often her boss. Even if it is forbidden/inconvenient/scandalous/dangerous.

2.Girl meets boy and has baby/loves man who has baby/has baby, and falls in love with new man who then loves her baby, even if it is forbidden/inconvenient/scandalous/dangerous. It turns out there are A LOT of widowed hotties looking for love in the romance novel universe.

3.Girl meets Cowboy. Sometimes she encounters some of the difficulties in themes 1 and 2, but this time they happen on a ranch!

4.Girl meets boy, but one of them is a vampire/werewolf/ghost/alien/secret government operative.

“Nice Girls Don’t Bite Their Neighbors”. Already I can tell that this will be deeper than Twilight.

5.And finally, Girl meets boy, but it’s extra scandalous because it’s in the old days where people wore hoop skirts and waved fans seductively. As in:

“Lady Rosaline Elizabeth Margaret Thompson Esquire must seduce Lord Duke Prince Reginald Edward Darcy William Redbook Redwood Wayne….even if it is forbidden/inconvenient/scandalous/dangerous.”

Accordingly, I tried to find a book from each of these themes. Incidentally, at the same time I was looking at romance novels, a man in a wheelchair rolled up and started telling me his Christian conversion story. This would have been fine under normal circumstances, but I felt weird talking about Jesus while I had Savor Me Slowly in one hand and To have the Doctor’s Baby in the other.

So, the books that I ended up checking out were, in no particular order:

Savor Me Slowly, by Gena Showalter. Which is either about an alien woman, or a robot woman. The description on the back left me confused. The cover of this one informed me that that she is the bestselling author of: Enslave me Sweetly.

I bet “Enslave Me Sweetly” wouldn’t have been bestselling if they had used this screenshot from Gone With the Wind as the cover art.

The Cowboy’s Convenient Bride, by Wendy Warren. This one hits a lot of the different themes. Not only do we have our cowboy, but the girl is a widow with three children. Also, the cover is confusing.

Those are bread racks in the back. So… he’s a cowboy who is also a baker? Also, she’s supposed to have three kids. Since when does anybody’s mom wear a halter dress on a farm?

To Have The Doctor’s Baby, by Teresa Southwick. This hits on another sub-theme that I didn’t touch on. Doctors. Much like Cowboys, they evidently have a lot of appeal. “We’re falling in love…but this time it’s at a hospital!!”

Taming Her Billionare Boss, by Maxine Sullivan, and The Billionare’s Contract Engagement, by Maya Banks. These both seem to run along the same lines, so I guess I could have just picked one, but the cover of the first book was just too strange to pass up.

I mean, what an awkward way to be embracing someone. It looks like she’s about to start eating his tie, and he’s just letting it happen.

Seduction, by Amanda Quick. The title doesn’t give much away, but this one DEFINITELY fits the description of my “Romance in the olden days” theme. The back of the book tells us of Julian, Earl of Ravenwood, (ding ding ding!!!) finding a new wife in the “tawny-haird lass” that is Sophy Dorring. Whether she will indeed be able to, “teach the devil to love again”, as the back of the book claims, I will have to find out for myself in part two!

Make sure to read my next blog, where i’ll give you all the juicy details from Fifty Shades, and show you some of the romance novels that didn’t make it into my list of reads.

What do you guys think this one is about?

Later!

-Tara

P.S.

(This is probably a good time to talk about the sort of tone that this blog will  take. Look, I never plan to be filthy on this blog. I’ll curse occasionally, but not frequently, and occasionally I’ll post some off color jokes.  And you know what? I’m not really offended by people that curse more than me, or make more offensive jokes than I do. They are people too, and it takes all kinds to keep the world spinning. The point is, we are all adults here. One of the reasons I’m reviewing this book is that I feel like it should be ok for adults to discuss sex and issues pertaining to it. I’m going to review this erotic novel, in a mostly funny way, along with some other, tamer romance novels. Now, if you feel you are sensitive to topics concerning sexuality, I would suggest that you read part one, where I buy the book, but maybe skip part two, where I discuss the text in depth, and hopefully you will not think less of me for discussing topics that you yourself might not. That ends the serious part of this blog, now hopefully I can start making you chuckle again.)

Tara Tuesday! Where I have a handful of bacon, so my day is already better than yours.

Tara Tuesday!

You would think that since I invented Tara Tuesdays,  I would be smart enough to plan posts in advance. I have had a week to prepare this post, you would assume that I thought of really awesome things to say, and would be able to present you with a hilarious, charming post. You would be wrong.

It’s been a pretty eventful week. Like I promised last week though, I’m going to try to keep these Tuesday posts short, so I’m just going to give you some bullet points of what happened to me this week. With absolutely no witty preamble, here they are:

1.

Last week, I officially became the last woman alive to discover Pinterest. I’m still figuring it out, but so far it seems to be a lot of adorable outfits that I cannot afford, amazing food pictures, and do it yourself projects that BLOW MY MIND.

And mason jars that are not used as mason jars. Get ready mom, I’m about to turn all of our glass jars into adorable holiday lanters, and fill them with glitter. You will never be able to store homemade salsa or fruit preserves again.

Oh my gosh, Pinterest is a great idea for women like me, who aren’t really good at being crafty, but are GREAT at copying other people at being crafty. Prepare yourself for an onslaught of holiday glitter project pictures in the future.

2.

This week I learned that I need to learn how to blow dry my hair. Yes, you read that correctly. I need to LEARN how to do something that most girls can do by the time they are 12. The thing is, I’ve just always had really thick hair, and every time I’ve ever picked up my mom’s hair dryer and started the process, I’ve gotten about 2 and a half minutes in and was just like, “There is so much hair. This will take like 2 hours. Not. Worth. It.”

Anyways though, this week I started reading Fifty Shades of Grey, the romance novel. (I’m reading it as a project for this blog, and you should hear more about THAT on Friday). In it, Anastasia is going after the very handsome Christian Grey. In one scene they are eating breakfast and this happens,

Christian: “Your hair’s very damp”, he scolds

Anastasia: “I couldn’t find the hair dryer.” I mutter, embarrassed.

Christian’s mouth presses into a hard line, but he doesn’t say anything.

 It’s moments like this that I realize that I will never have a romance-novel-caliber love affair. If it had been ME in this novel the conversation would have gone like this:

Christian: “You’re hair’s very damp”, he scolds.

Me:

“Yeah dude, I just had a shower. What…is that not cool bro?”

So anyways, if men are expecting you to have shampoo-commercial-beautiful-flowing hair at the breakfast table, I’m going to have to step up my game. Oh, and in case you are wondering, that is a HANDFUL of bacon in my hand in that picture. I was so happy.

3.

I work in the deli at Costco, which is sort of like working on a ship deck or in a swamp. This is because we  have to wear heavy duty slip-resistant shoes, because the floor is literally always covered in chicken grease or water. Now believe it or not, I have successfully avoided wearing slip resistant shoes for the entire year that I have worked there. I like to wear converse at work. These ones specifically:

They are so tacky, they match literally nothing I own. I love them.

Well, two weeks ago, my boss finally scolded me and said that it was time to stop acting like cartoon character, and wear serious shoes for work, which costco would reimburse me for. So I got these giant monstrosity shoes:

Aren’t they scary? Steel toed. I feel like I could use one as a club to beat someone with.

I wore them to work and my boss was satisfied, but I missed my Chuck tailors, so I subbed in some green and yellow shoe laces to make me feel better. When my co worker Raul saw them he said, “Oh my God, really Tara? Do you just CRAVE constant attention?”

And I answered with my new motto for life: “Yes! Stop trying to stifle my enthusiasm for life!”

And that was this week. Have a good evening, the 6 of you who will look at this! Come back on Friday, and I’ll tell you about the steamy romance novel I’ve been reading 😉

Later!

-Tara