This week, all I have to talk about is just how I make being a woman look more awkward and difficult than it actually is.
1. Actually, first I’m going to mention that I am DOMINATING the world of pinterest. As promised, here are photos of me being crafty:
This may look like just a dollar store vase and tissue paper, but wait for it…
OH SNAP! Rainbow vase! Mason jars that aren’t mason jars anymore!!
These are by no means perfect, but…
You know what, just kidding, they totally are. I made some for Halloween, and some just to look cool and girly when they have candles in them. You know who would really love these though? This guy:
Ryan Gosling and I have the same birthday. We’re also both incredibly talented at looking hot. We should get married, that’s just too many similarities to ignore.
2. Speaking of Pinterest, there is this podcast that I love to listen to called Stuff mom never told you, and one of the podcasters just posted this link about pinterest quotes that are not as inspirational as they should be:
Inspired, I found some of my own that appear a little questionable…
There were a lot of “tall girl problems” quotes like this that were kind of insulting. Like I should be ashamed of it, which I resent. Besides, even if a guy is shorter than me, I totally go for it.
You! You’re my boyfriend now. You can kick and scream all you want about it, but it’s…it’s gonna happen.
Here is another gem:
Which is why all interventions for alcoholics should be staged when everyone is drunk. Then everyone will be EXTRA honest.
In college I was friends with all the political people. I myself am a liberal feminist, but when we all ended up having too much to drink at someone’s 21st birthday party one night I started telling everyone, “You know what! You know what…I don’t even care anymore, do whatever you want, let’s get rid of the government, no regulations! FREE MARKET WHOOOOO!!!”
I have not since come out of the closet as a staunch conservative, so I can only assume that MY drunk mind just speaks an insane heart.
Then there’s this one:
Are you sure pinterest? Are you sure that the best make up isn’t this:
Again, Ryan Gosling’s future wife.
This is how I did my make up in 7th grade. And actually the pink lip gloss was even more glittery, and the eye shadow was an even brighter purple. Also I just want to make it clear that this was 11 years ago, I am not still doing my make up like this. It was pretty awful. Once in English class my friend Gabe stared at me for a full 30 seconds and finally said, “Your eye shadow is a little too bright.” Thank you Gabe, for saying that, and not the more accurate: “You sort of look like a hooker.”
Also, before we move on, that is the last duck face photo I ever plan to post on this blog. If I ever do it again, someone please come to my house and slap me.
And finally, this one:
Uhhh, what? I don’t have a joke for this, it’s just awful.
3. Finally, this is the week that I decided to try to learn to blow dry my hair. I took pictures, of course. I took one of me before, with my hair totally wet, but it looks so gross that I refuse to show it to you. I had a lot of trouble maneuvering the hair dryer, and about halfway through the process I sensed that something was amiss:
That…doesn’t seem quite right. The whole thing turned out a lot poofier than I expected. Then my mom walked into the bathroom to see what was going on, and after watching me for 15 seconds she started laughing.
The finished product. I was like, “Ok hair, don’t be frizzy and poofy.” And my hair was like, “F#&K you Tara.”
Oh and then I forgot I was an adult, and started having too much fun just blowing my hair randomly with the hair dryer.
When I was a little girl my grandma told me that I looked like Janis Joplin. I was offended because she isn’t really attractive…but sometimes evidence can’t be ignored…
So like I said, I make being a woman so much more awkward than it needs to be. Help me, what I am I doing wrong with this whole hair drying thing? It would have been ok if it hadn’t been for the frizz. What am I missing? Is there a product that I am leaving out? Help me friends!
That’s it for today, but make sure to check out my next blog, where we will learn all of the fascinating secrets from Fifty Shades of Grey. I found out that they don’t get down to any funny business until 115 pages in. It was a LONG 115 pages.