Tara Tuesdays! Where I go see Breaking Dawn Part 2, and Kristen Stewart almost achieves acting

I hope you guys appreciate the things I do for this blog.

I find that since I started it, I’ve become much braver about doing things that have the potential to make me look like an idiot. I look at the world around me and say, “Hey, this is what other women in the world are doing right now! I’m a woman; I should check it out, regardless of the consequences!” So I try these things, and then, because I am awkward at doing life, I always have hilarious mishaps. I mean, I’m not a cartoon character, but a lot of my life feels like slapstick. I might take a little creative license when telling you stories, but I swear that at least 90% of the things that I describe have been true.

And you are lucky, because in my family we believe that self-deprecation is the BEST kind of humor. Why else would I share photos like these with you:

Every time I make my mother take one of these photos for the blog she reminds me that this is why I don’t have a boyfriend.

I also like to address pop culture phenomenon that I feel affect young women, such as myself. So, since I just reviewed Fifty Shades of Grey for your entertainment purposes, I figured that there was another highly talked about and highly anticipated piece of pop culture for me to talk about

Hey, have you guys heard about that book series called Twilight?

Of course you have. You’re a person living on the planet. I feel like even this guy knows about how vampires are sparkly now.

I have seen the first Twilight movie, and found it very unremarkable. I haven’t bothered with the other films. On Thursday night however, one of my male coworkers posted on facebook that he had been dragged to go see the movie with his girlfriend. The next day I almost jokingly asked him, “Sooooo, how did you like it?” And then he said that he liked it! Even after one of our other coworkers called him a “Mas Puto!” (Which is spanish for…something unmasculine I guess) he said, “Yeah, it was good.” After hearing that my masculine coworker found this film passable, I decided to give the franchise another shot. I got off at 4:30pm and decided to swing by the theater before it got too  busy and see the film.

Yes. I went to the movies alone. Before we continue I have to make all of you come to terms with the idea that going to the movies by yourself is actually a great idea. It is not pathetic in any way. Let me give you three reasons,

1. Even at a crowded showing I can always get a seat. People try to leave a seat between them and strangers, so nobody invades personal space. Think about how weird it would be if you went into an empty theater and sat right next to the only other person in the place. Because of this, there are always single seats sprinkled throughout the theater. Of course this means that you get to get cozy with strangers, but since it’s a movie, where you are expected not to make noise, you are spared the burden of awkward small talk.

So…you come to slasher movies often? I do…a lot.

2. Meeting friends for movie showings is one of the things I hate the most in this world. I hate the experience more than I hate it when people abbreviate the word family to “The Fam”’ or post passive aggressive status updates on facebook. Someone is always late to the movie. I arrive 25 minutes early, so that there is time for buying tickets, snack retrieval, and chit chat. Like a sensible person. When you are meeting other people there is always one person who doesn’t show up until 35 seconds until the movie starts, and I spend the rest of the movie mad at them because we missed previews, and no matter what people say, everybody wants to see the previews that they could have looked up on youtube 3 weeks ago.

The appropriate response to missing the trailer for Kung Fu Panda 4.

3.Movie popcorn is one of my special treats. No, let me rephrase: the fake yellow liquid butter that is available to pour onto your popcorn with is one of my special treats. To an obscene amount. The movie going experience is not the same for me if I do not drown my popcorn with butter-flavored motor oil. I like to put so much in fact, that I am embarrassed about it when I go to the movies with other people. Going by myself spares me the shame of receiving disgruntled and concerned looks from friends.

This is a good idea too.

Anyways, I got into the theater without being late, I got a good seat because I was alone, and I had my own tub of liquid heart disease all to myself. Since this was opening day after 5pm, the place was packed, and when the lights went down for the previews everyone started cheering. People started screaming, “Team Jacob!” and “Team Edward” all over the theater.

Can’t it be both? I’ve never understood the need to choose.

I always hate it when people yell out things in the theater, because it makes me feel awkward. Like strangers yelling at me from across the street. It was at this point that I wondered if I should yell out some random character’s name, just to make everyone in the theater feel uncomfortable.  “Team Marcus!!!!”

Mmm yeah. Wish he would take off his shirt.

The previews were decent except for one that was supposed to be for the second movie in the Hunger Games Trilogy. I would rate my level of excitement for the Hunger Games to be more than Twilight, but less than Harry Potter. So I was sort of excited to see a preview. Then the “preview” turned out to be the stylized logo from the book cover, which exploded in fire to reveal a movie release date. Dear Hollywood, showing me a movie title does not constitute a preview.

Finally, the movie begins. We start by panning over majestic pacific northwestern scenery. I don’t know if I’m the only one who’s ever noticed this, but why do the Twilight movies spend so much time showing us postcard images from Washington State? We get it. Washington has breathtaking scenery, but it’s always cloudy. It’s beautiful, and yet dark. LIKE VAMPIRES.

Twilight, the greatest allegory of our time.

I didn’t see the previous film, but I gather that it starts right where the last one left off.

If you haven’t seen the Twilight movies or read the books, let me fill you in. Bella the human falls in love with Edward the vampire. But he is a good vampire, who makes the moral choice not to eat people. He lives forever and sparkles in the sun. For the first three books Edward acts like their inter-species romance is the most tragic and unsolvable problem that could ever happen. Then, in the 4th book, he finally remembers that he can turn Bella into a vampire, and then they wouldn’t even have to worry about it. But first he marries her, and gets her pregnant…because boy vampires can make human women pregnant. Not the other way around. Only in the way that benefits the plot.

Stephenie Meyer tries to explain the biology of this for like 15 pages in the book, but in the end you’ll still be confused.

Pregnant Bella is not a good thing though. Since the baby inside her is half human/half “creature that historically likes to kill and devour humans”, it proceeds to slowly kill her from inside. So I’m assuming that Breaking Dawn Part 1 was a horror movie. Then Bella has the worst delivery ever, where the baby basically kills her on the way out. It’s ok though, because right before she’s about to bite it, Edward turns her into a vampire like he should have done two books ago.

This is the moment that the new Breaking Dawn movie starts off from. Bella wakes up as a vampire. The first thirty minutes of the movie shows us Bella exploring all of her new powers. Like being really strong, and running really fast, and viciously attacking and eating a mountain lion. Seriously, there is a scene where Kristen Stewart attacks a mountain lion with the same look on her face that I assume serial killers have when they are approaching their victims.

And since Kristen Stewart is half the actor that Charlise Theron is, the scene is just awkward.

Anyways though, that’s only the first awkward scene to happen in this movie because the next part of the movie is where Bella finds out that apparently sex as a vampire is the most amazing thing in the whole world. Bella and Edward go to bed together for the first time as vampires, and we the audience are treated to slow motion, extreme close up (but avoiding actual nudity because the director had to keep it PG-13 so all the 16 year old fangirls could get in) sex. This might have been the best part of the movie for me because there’s a part where Edward goes, “This is the bedroom, the bed isn’t for sleeping…” and a sassy black woman sitting two seats down from me went, “Well DAY-UM!”

Oh hey, Bella had that kid in the last movie, what’s she up to?

Meet Renesmee. She’s really cute except for that in the movie her forehead looks two feet long in every scene.

Renesmee is awesome and everyone loves her. Supposedly she is half human, but she has almost all of the invulnerabilities of a vampire. Everyone hangs out as one big happy vampire family for a while, but then one of the Cullen’s friends come to visit, sees Renesmee, and thinks that she is an immortal child. A human child who is turned into a vampire. Apparently this is a big no no in the vampire universe. The “friend” then goes off and tells the Volturi,a sort of vampire mafia who kills any vampires that don’t fall in line and keep the secret, and the Volturi head towards Washington with a massive vampire army, intent on killing the Cullen family.

The Cullen’s amass a vampire army of their own, and eventually we finally reach the point in the movie where all of the boyfriends in the audience who got dragged there by their girlfriends have something interesting to watch.

The two vampire armies meet on a giant snowy plain. At this point I stopped taking the bad guys seriously, because they showed up to the epic vampire battle like this:

Seriously, you’re immortal vampires, you can pick outfits from any point in history, and you chose “foppishly gay British soldiers”?

Undoubtedly though Michael Sheen has to be the creepiest part of this movie. He plays the leader of the vampire mafia, a guy named Aro. He can read thoughts when he touches people, and he demands to talk to Renesmee. The look on his face as this child-vampire approaches him can only be compared to that of a pedophile looking on at a crowded playground.

Hey, come here and let me touch you. Your thoughts tell me you like popsicles. I got some popsicles in my van.

 At this point in the movie you find out that the problem isn’t really about Renesmee being an immortal child, it’s that the Volturi sees The Cullen family as a threat, because Edward can read thoughts, and Alice, another character, can see the future. Alice shows Aro the future, and then reveals to everyone that he doesn’t care what Renesmee is, he just wants to fight, and then the bloodshed begins!!!

Well, uh, actually not really. Apparently in this vampire universe the only way vampires can be killed is by being dismembered and then burned. What follows is a 30 minute onslaught of really pale people getting their heads popped off like grapes. I’m actually not exaggerating here. I GUESS the movie is violent because of this, but there is no blood. Heads just get twisted off with a popping sound, and then that’s it. It just doesn’t look right.

There are a lot of close ups of Dakota Fanning in this part of the movie looking scared and worried, because her side, the volturi, are getting their asses whooped.

You also get to see just what a terrible job the make up person did with her eyeliner.

Then she gets killed too…the most violently of any character. The scene where she dies is kinda gruesome. She doesn’t just get her head popped off like all the other vampires, she is dragged to a waiting werewolf, where she is ripped to shreds. It was just…unpleasant.

No never mind, she totally had it coming.

The fighting goes on until finally Aro is killed. Wait just kidding! Everything is fine. It turns out that the whole fight scene was just a vision that Alice was showing Aro. She was showing him the consequences, should he choose to fight. He of course backs out of the fight like a pussy, and the day is saved!

Who would have thought that a guy dressed like this WOULDN’T be up for an all out physical brawl!?

After the almost-battle, the Cullen family happily resumes their lives. The audience is treated to a montage of all the romantic Bella and Edward scenes from the previous movies, and Bella says to Edward, “Now you know, no one has ever loved anyone as much as I love you.”

Because the love you had for the guy in higschool you met when you were 17 is more pure than all of the other love stories for the rest of time.

THE END

So, I guess you’re waiting for the part where I say that I hated this movie just like I hated Fifty Shades of Grey. Where I talk about how it was awful, written terribly, and sets a terrible example for women. Well…

I sort of had a thing for the Twilight series in high school. I’m not going to say that I was the biggest fan, but I certainly enjoyed the books. The best way I can describe how I feel about the series now is that I just…grew out of it. When I got a little older the relationship presented in Twilight stopped being appealing to me. It stopped being something that was worth fantasizing about. I feel like everyone is familiar with the feminist criticism of Twilight, so I’m gonna try not to beat a dead horse. The basic point is, Edward is controlling, Bella is freakishly obsessed, it’s just a text book unhealthy relationship.

That being said, the movie Breaking Dawn Part 2 was not bad. I will say that you probably need at least a basic knowledge of Twilight to understand what’s going on, but that’s true with sequels of any series.

Ok, so the guy who plays Mufasa is the BAD guy in this movie?

The pacing is pretty good, and the changes that were made from the novel were very good decisions. In the novel the vampires do not have a big battle at the end, (because Stephenie Meyer doesn’t understand what a climax is) and a lot of people hated that. There was all this build up for nothing. I thought that the movie was very clever in solving that problem. You get to see an action-packed fight, but it still stays true to the book. I’m even going to say that this movie is better than the book, and I’m willing to bet that it’s also the best movie so far.

I think this is because by the second part of Breaking Dawn, Bella and Edward finally have a healthy relationship. This isn’t something that I find realistic, (controlling people don’t typically just change their personality) but I’m glad it happened. When Bella is a vampire she is Edward’s equal, instead of his human pet, who he has an obsessive need to control. They are parents and partners, making choices together. Bella acts like an adult in the second half of Breaking Dawn.

So the movie is watchable. The romance is more believable now that they act like two equals, and there is enough action and special effects to keep you entertained. If someone is dragging you to go see it, don’t despair, at the very least you get to see this girl ripped apart!

And who isn’t looking forward to that!

That’s all for today. I hope to post witty things about the holidays soon, so stay tuned. Also, Happy Thanksgiving!

-Tara

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