Tara Tuesdays! Where I reveal my list of the worst Christmas songs EVER.

Hello Readers! Guess what? It is now offically five whole days after Thanksgiving, and you know what that means!

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE Christmas. I love getting to see my family, I love all of the delicious goodies, I love the decorations, and I definitely love the music. I have not one, but TWO playlists dedicated just to Christmas Music on my Ipod. I recognize though that for many of you, Christmas music can be the worst part of the Holiday. I know the argument, it gets over played, there haven’t been any new songs since 1958, yeah yeah yeah, blah blah blah. Stop complaining, we listen to “White Christmas” once a year, how much is it really making you suffer?

Now that I think of it though, are there Christmas songs that are genuinely hard to listen to? Are there holiday songs out there that make you want to curl up in a ball and die? Well, you are about to find out because I have made a list for you of my personal worst Christmas songs ever. Enjoy! Or cringe, I should say.

7.Christmas Tree-Lady Gaga and Space Cowboy

There comes a point in every Pop Star’s career where they feel obligated to come out with a Christmas song. For Mariah Carey it was “All I want for Christmas is you”, for Britney Spears it was, “My Only Wish(This Year)” and for Lady Gaga it is “Christmas Tree”. Finally! Just what we were waiting for, a song that uses clumsy innuendos to make you think of Lady Gaga engaging in girl-on-top sexual intercourse.

Yes. The world saw this and asked, “how can we combine this with Christmas? And sex.”

Honestly I’m just…baffled by this song. I had to listen to it three times before I could register any feelings besides loathing. Let’s delve into some of the deep, symbolic lyrics:

“My Christmas tree is delicious.” What does that even mean? What part of her body is supposed to represent the Christmas Tree? I’m afraid to consider any of the possibilities.

“Under the mistletoe. Yes everybody knows, we will take off our clothes. Yes, if you want us to we will.” No!! We definitely don’t want you to.

I discovered this song on the “Now That’s What I Call Christmas! 4” Album. They were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one. The whole thing is an onslaught of terrible, terrible music. Among the other songs included is a version of “Happy Xmas(War is Over)” performed by the always reliably awful Maroon Five, “Do They Know It’s Christmas” by Band Aid, and a cover of “Little Drummer Boy” by Sean Kingston that is almost worse than the Justin Beiber version.

“Christmas Tree” really takes the cake though. It is so repulsive that I feel dirty after listening to it. Not even because Lady Gaga isn’t the sexiest popstar around, but just because it is awful. Megan Fox could be singing this and it would still be about as sexy as your grandma doing it.

Everybody knows we take it all off under the mistletoe!

My favorite part is how Lady Gaga and Space Cowboy repeat their names over and over again at the end of this song. They want you to know definitively that no, you haven’t gone insane, all that pot you’ve been smoking hasn’t started to make you hallucinate. No, Lady Gaga really did sing something that is this mind bogglingly worse than her normal music.

And that’s an accomplishment.

6.Christmas must be something more-Taylor Swift

Sigh. Ok, I don’t hate Taylor Swift. I was an angsty teenage girl who listened to country music when she first hit it big, so that’s scientifically impossible. What I do hate is all this phony “War on Christmas” nonsense that always pops up around this time of year. You know, the time of year when YOU CAN NOT ESCAPE CHRISTMAS, AND IT IS EVERY WHERE YOU GO.

Every time you say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” an angel loses its wings.

And I’m not saying this as an Atheist, I am an active Christian who goes to church on a regular basis. I’m just saying that this seems to be a complaint about a problem that doesn’t exist. Like when people complain that society is taking the Christ out of Christmas when they say “XMAS”, and reveal themselves to be total morons.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XMAS

So already I am not destined to love this song. Let’s look at some of the lyrics though, to see what deep thoughts Miss Swift has to impart about the true meaning of Christmas:

“Would you still wanna kiss without Mistletoe? What would happen if God never let it snow?”

Well if there was no mistletoe Lady Gaga might stop threatening to take off all of her clothes. That’s a win.

“So here’s to the birthday boy who saved our lives. It’s something we all try to ignore, and put a wreath up on your door.”

Pictured above: Society ignoring Jesus

Also, I don’t like how she calls him the birthday boy. When I think, “Birthday Boy” I think of this:

Or this:

Not exactly how I picture Jesus. And hey Taylor, you’re the one who says we’re ignoring him, you could call him by his name in the song. Especially since Jesus wasn’t even actually born at Christmas.

http://www.ucg.org/bible-faq/when-was-jesus-christ-born-was-jesus-born-december-25-christmas-day

Besides, we already know what happens when all the fun secular stuff gets taken out of Christmas. A green goblin brings back all the stuff he stole as long as you sing about how you don’t need any of it! Yay anti-consumerism!

5.What do you get a wookie for Christmas? (When he already owns a comb)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the Star Wars Christmas Special is the greatest disaster to ever happen within the Star Wars universe.

Ok, second greatest.

I’ve never seen the show, but thankfully this great song lives on. The ridiculously long-named, “What Do You Get A Wookie For Christmas?(When He Already Owns A Comb).” That is an excellent question. How about a gun to shoot himself with so he doesn’t have to listen to this anymore.

“What can you get a Wookie for Christmas when he already owns a comb.What can you get in a hurry for a furry kind of friend to take home?”

Actually that’s a valid question. What can you get a furry? Um…sanity?

Ugh, this song is hard to get through. It is not even so bad that it’s good. It’s just boring. It’s like they took a Christmas present discussion between two parents wondering what to get their kid, and just put in the word “Wookie” to make it Star Wars related. Next.

4.A Very Very Merry Christmas-Shelly Duval

Ok, lets ignore how Shelly Duvall feels the need to introduce herself at the beginning of this, like we all don’t recognize her high pitched squeal 2 seconds into the song.

Lets ignore the baffling and annoying tempo that is impossible to keep up with.

Lets ignore how the production of this song sounds like some 8th grader put it together on his laptop.

No, this is what I want to talk about: I think that this song is secretly a deleted scene from The Shining. To me, there is a very clear, slow descent into madness for Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining. He starts out at just a Jack Nicholson level of crazy, but gradually digresses into ape-shit insane by the end of the film.

Play an insane character named Jack? That’s going to be a stretch.

I think this song is from a deleted  scene in that movie where Shelly Duvall’s character Wendy realizes that her husband is going insane, and desperately tries to salvage the situation by having a really upbeat Christmas. She puts up red and green streamers in their little apartment, she makes Danny wear a Christmas sweater, then she has father and son sit down together to watch her perform this little song that she came up with. She sings it frantically, with a desperate pace, while Jack Torrence looks on with growing rage, as madness slowly blots out all reason.

To be fair though, any man would go insane with you as a wife, Shelley Duvall.

3.The Christmas Shoes-NewSong

You shouldn’t be surprised to see this song here. It might be one of the most famous “worst Christmas songs ever.” This song is played persistently and frequently every year on Country music stations, even though I have never met anyone who admits to liking it. That doesn’t mean it isn’t moving, on the contrary, you have to be a soul-less monster to not be moved by this song. It’s like those commercials on TV where they play the sad, Sarah Mclachlan music over photos of pitiful looking abused animals. You feel too guilty to look away from the TV. Which is why I hate this damn song, it guilt’s you into suffering through it.  We all know “Christmas Shoes”, but I never hear anyone humming it fondly, I never hear it requested at Christmas parties. Carolers don’t sing it at your door.

We hope you enjoyed that, also we ran over your dog on the way into the neighborhood. Merry Christmas.

I take other issues with this song though beyond just the basic message of, “Your family is dying, happy holidays”. First of all, why is this little boy out shopping alone? Does this poor family not even have any friends who are willing to drive this kid to the nearest foot locker? And what kind of Dad sends his young, ragged, depressed son out alone to shop on Christmas eve?

Pick me up a bottle of Jack too.

They actually made a long depressing movie about this where the mom is played by Brad Paisley’s wife, otherwise known as that girl from Father of the Bride. This is what happened to Annie Banks after she got married, she got sick and died at Christmas.

In the movie adaption of Christmas Shoes the sales clerk is also the biggest asshole in the universe. When the kid doesn’t have enough money to buy the shoes the guy says, “It’s not enough, did I stutter?”

You’re mom’s dying? Well I’ve been working at a terrible paper company for 15 years. What else ya got?

Admittedly in the movie the sales clerk doesn’t know the kid’s mom is dying, but still, who would ever be that mean to a kid who can’t afford to buy a Christmas present? Was the sales clerk Hitler?! The general neglect and cruelness the child endures leads me to believe that “Christmas Shoes” must take place in an alternate world where the only two decent human beings are the narrator and this little boy. Oh well, at least he got those shoes. But who knows how long he was out alone wandering the streets on this Christmas eve, judging by the tone of this song his mom will be dead by the time he gets home.

She’s gone son…those shoes will look nice in the coffin though.

Thanks Country music, for reminding us that even the happiest holidays are full of unendurable sorrow. I mean, what could you possibly do to top this song?

2.Daddy’s drinking up our Christmas

This. This right here is why country music is mocked relentlessly. I try so hard to defend country music. I remind people that it’s the genre that brought us Patsy Cline’s soulful croon, and Johnny Cash’s bad-assness.

Tell this man that Country Music is stupid. Go right ahead.

 And then things like “Daddy’s drinking up our Christmas” come along and ruin everything. If there is one thing you can say about “Christmas shoes”, it is that at least it pulls at your heart strings. It might be terrible, but it does make me feel something. This song doesn’t make me feel anything except my gag reflex flaring up. At first I can actually kind of get behind it. “No tree, or Christmas, or presents, just bottles of Christmas cheer.”

Sounds about how my Christmas unfolds.

 Then of course it goes on to explain that there will be no presents for mom or the kids. Or Rent Money. Or phone service. Or Daddy, apparently. He gets arrested at the end of the song and the family has to scramble to bail him out on Christmas morning. This song is so ridiculously sad and over the top that I can’t even sympathize with it. I almost picked “Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas” for this slot because they are basically the same song, but I take issue with “Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas” because it has a kind of happy, upbeat tune. Like this is all just normal, Christmas stuff. WTF?!  Is this just expected behavior? Why are the dads in Country Christmas songs so damn awful!?

1.Oh Come All Ye Faithful-Bob Dylan

God, I don’t even know where to begin. If you have no idea what Bob Dylan sounds like (that is, if you live in a basement and don’t interact with pop culture), it’s a little bit like someone gave a microphone to a male version of Joan Rivers. To be honest, I could really have chosen any of the songs off of “Christmas In The Heart”, hell, I could have made the whole list out of songs from this album. “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” sticks out though because of the latin at the beginning. Latin Christmas songs are best when sung by choirs, opera soloists, or Bing Crosby.

Bing Crosby is so Christmas-y he could sing “California Girls” by Katy Perry and we would still think of Santa Claus.

Bob Dylan stumbles through the words like a 9th grader trying to read through a text book passage in his Latin class. The beginning of this song sounds like the karaoke that happens at 2am after a drunken Christmas party. No, you know what Bob Dylan singing Christmas music sounds like? It sounds like someone gave a microphone to your great uncle Alfred who  just had throat surgery because he smoked for 40 years.

Happy Holidays!

 You spend the first half of the song just hoping desperately that there will be a musical interlude of flutes or harps or something, just so you can escape from Bob Dylan’s growling. Finally, a choir of women begin to sing, but even they are awful. They sound deeply depressed during the whole chorus, but then again I would be too if I had to be a part of this joy-less, 15 song monstrosity of an album. Also though, they aren’t even in tune. It sounds like Bob Dylan went and recruited a middle school treble choir group for this song. And that must be the case, because I can only imagine that any sane, adult musical artists laughed in his face when they heard the words, “Christmas album” and “Bob Dylan” in the same sentence.

And that’s it for today folks! I’ll never listen to Christmas music the same way again…

UPDATE: 15 minutes after finishing this post I found out that Ru Paul came out with a Christmas song entitled, “Ho Ho Ho”, and that Snoop Dogg has an album creatively titled, “Christmas on Death Row” So obviously there will have to be a part two. It will have to wait though, because honestly if I listened to any more of this terriblness tonight I would have to kill myself.

-Tara

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