Where OKcupid urges me to get laid just in case the world ends

Short blog today, just a few final thoughts at the end of this year.

1.New Years Eve has never been my favorite holiday. I like New Year’s Day, it’s exciting to be in a new year, but New Year’s Eve is all about things ending, and it makes me sad. New Years Eve is also one of those holidays for couples. You’re supposed to kiss someone at the New year, and I always end up standing awkwardly around other Couple’s making out.


I guess I could kiss the other single person, but that just adds a whole new level of awkwardness to the party that no one is ready for.

It’s thoughts like these that make me consider trying online dating again.  OKcupid has certainly not forgotten about me, they have spent all of December vigorously trying to get me hooked up. They had a Christmas themed, “12 days of Matches” series of emails that they kept sending me. I was vaguely considering getting back on the site, I mean, I am still single, and I have to believe that at least some of the people on the website are decent.


Excluding the guy who sent me a message that only said “What’s your favorite position?”

But then on the 20th of December they sent me an email that was literally titled, “We’re all screwed, you should be too!”


Because when the Earth is facing catastrophic destruction, absolutely nothing takes precedence over getting laid one last time.

I’m going to try to spare you more “It was the end of the world, but then it wasn’t!” jokes, because I’m sure we’ve all had enough of them. “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” by REM was probably played enough on December 20th to earn the band enough royalties for a lifetime.


Not to mention how many thousands of drunk women fell for the, “Lets do it baby! We might not be here tomorrow!”  line. If there are an influx of births in September we’ll know why.

2. The holiday season can be stressful, there is just so much to do. The week before Christmas I worked an 8 hour shift in the morning every day, followed by baking/ shopping, followed by a party, or meeting with an old friend who was in town, etc, etc. I’ve never felt so popular, or more overwhelmed.

guysin santa hats

For this joke I typed “Sad Woman In Santa Hat” into the image search bar, and this is what it gave me. Geez, get it together google.

Evidently I am not the only one who feels the holiday stress because this year my mom got a Christmas letter from one of her distant relatives that at its most cheerful can be described as depression inducing.

It starts out normal. And by that I mean that all Christmas letters start out with some variation of the phrase, “It’s been an interesting year for the Smiths!” Or, “What a busy year it has been!” Even if the only news in the family is, “We continued living the same, boring, middle class family life as last year! Damn, we’re interesting!”So I wasn’t entirely surprised to see the phrase, “We have had quite a year” at the beginning of this letter. I was more surprised by what immediately followed.

“First thing that happened this year is that my older brother suddenly passed away, then my wife was sick for two months, and finally I was diagnosed with cancer.”

That is not a good beginning. The holly jolly tone continued with this,

“There is one thing that is a sure thing, and that is we are all going to die. That is 100% certain.”

grim reaper

Don’t worry, I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. I’ll be back. Soon.

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like reminding us all of our inevitable mortality. I don’t feel like too much of a horrible person for sharing this with you though because the letter does eventually explain that the cancer treatments are over, and the wife is no longer sick.  I’m not going to say that this is a good Christmas letter, but to give them credit, it IS the only one I can remember. So now my new goal for life is to make the most memorable Christmas Letter EVER.


Merry Christmas All! What a year it has been, and other than my contraction of Chlamydia, I can report that it has been quite pleasant!

Until Next Year!



2 thoughts on “Where OKcupid urges me to get laid just in case the world ends

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