TTTG:part 3 BODYATTACK. Where awkward things hapen in the locker room

BODYATTACK was intense. I had a hard time keeping up. This class is based on sports and athletics…sort of. The point of BODYPUMP is to work on strength in all of your major muscle groups, and the point of BODYSTEP is to work on leg strength and cardio.  I think the point of BODYATTACK is to do exercises and movements that you would do during outdoor sports. There was lots of jumping, jogging in place, and leg movement. This class is all about interval cardio training. There was also a part of the class where we did…Push ups.

Ok, I have an embarrassing confession to make. I have no upper body strength. It’s embarrassing because I’m a HUGE PERSON, and you would think that I would have some strength behind me. And when I say I can’t do pushups, girl pushups are what I’m talking about. I mean, I can do like…two. And then I collapse like the exhausted fatty that I am. Regular, manly-man pushups? Forget it, I couldn’t do one if someone was holding a gun to my head.

The class itself is good, but I don’t really have very many funny comments to make about it.  I really need to go to the gym more often. Lately, I’ve been going only once or twice a week, which isn’t enough, but I just get so busy! I have been going more often than before though, which is why for this blog, I have funny comments about my other experiences at the gym.

I don’t typically like to shower at the gym. Every time I tell people this, they always react negatively. Like, “What!? EWWWWW” To which I respond: why is it a gross thing to not shower at the gym, when I can just drive to my own shower a very short distance away? My house is seven minutes to the gym, it’s not like I have to go on this long, sweaty safari just to get back to another shower if I don’t use the one at the gym. I can be sweaty for seven extra minutes if it means I don’t have to wear flip flops while I shower.

All that being said however, I have now showered at the gym several times because I had to meet someone immediately afterwards. Two of these times happened to be after BODYATTACK.  My gym tries to provide good showering services; they have shampoo, conditioner, and bodywash in all of the showers. For my first shower I tried them. Using the shampoo was a little unsettling because it had the exact color, texture, and smell of DayQuil.

dayquil

You know, the cold medicine. Since it didn’t make my hair sticky I gave the gym the benefit of the doubt and assumed that it was not actually cold medicine.

The second thing that happened during my first gym shower was that I didn’t have a towel. Peak time at my gym is 6pm, which is right around the time that I took my shower, and they were all out of shower towels. So I had two hand towels to dry off with. Also, like many public showers, there seemed to be two settings for water temperature in my particular shower booth, which were frigid, or HELL.

None of these experiences are as awkward though as what happened to me after my first BODYATTACK class.  That shower was awkward because I hadn’t shaved my legs.  Ok, ok, before everybody starts freaking out, let me explain. I wasn’t hairy or anything, it hadn’t been weeks since I had shaved or something. More like three or four days. Look, I don’t have a boyfriend, and nobody else is eager to tenderly stroke my calves on a daily basis, so there really is no reason for me to shave EVERY day. Sometimes I will hear other women say, “Oh, I shave every day, even if I’m single. Gross.”

Kirsten Haglund

And then I’m like, “WELL AREN’T YOU JUST MISS AMERICA?! ANY OTHER WAYS YOU WANT TO MAKE ME FEEL INADEQUATE!?” Except that I don’t REALLY say that, because then I would have no female friends.

So anyways, I was…prickly. Which is fine when it’s the winter, and you’re wearing jeans.  Not so fine when you strip down to your underwear in a locker room full of other women, and realize that everyone else looks like they just left the set of a Gillette razor commercial.

It was awkward enough for me to develop a strategy while I was taking my shower. I would rush back to my locker as fast as possible, and put on jeans quickly, before any of the other women noticed my prickliness. I did so, but in the middle of my sprint I was intercepted by the instructor of the BODYATTACK class that I had just attended. Of course she recognized me at once, because who WOULDN’T remember the uncoordinated, flailing giant in the middle of their aerobics class.

taras blog13

I’m noticeable. Can you spot me in this picture? Hint: I’m the one you will initially assume is a teacher.

 So we had a conversation about the class.

While I was pant-less.

With prickly legs.

You know what was more awkward than that? When we politely chatted, said goodbye, and then walked in the same direction to our lockers, which were right next to each other. So we were forced to have ANOTHER conversation, and my legs were still not shaved.

Actual, serious thoughts about the class:

BODYATTACK has been the most demanding of the classes that I have taken so far. I know I’ve only told you about two others, but I’ve actually also been to Pilates and Zumba. There were times during ATTACK that I thought I wasn’t going to be able to finish, and I had to convert to some of the easier “modifications” several times.  It was a good, hard class.

What was sore afterwards:

Nothing specifically. The class was more fatiguing than anything else. A lot of times after a good workout I feel really good,  those endorphins kick in in a really good way for me. Not for BODYATTACK. After the first time, I just felt bad.

Will I go again?:

Well, I said that I would go back to BODYSTEP, and BODYPUMP, and I intended to, but I haven’t made it back to either yet. I DID already go to BODYATTACK again, and it was just as hard as the first time. Probably because like I said, I keep only going to the gym like once a week. This class is only once a week though, so although I will try to keep going, I know that there will be times I have to miss.

That’s all for today guys, I’m off to take a shower and shave my legs. Which is something that I do, FREQUENTLY. Geez…

-Tara

Happy Valentines Day! Where you’ll be mine whether you want to or not.

Happy Valentines Day blog readers! I hope you’re having a fabulous day, I know that I am. I just want to make a quick post today, as I mentioned earlier this week, I have to work tonight. Before I go though, I thought I would share with you some truly touching, loving sentiments on this Valentine’s Day.

are you game

You should give this card along with a wrapped DVD of the movie ” The Predator”.

bound

I’m assuming that this is the card that Ana gave Christian in “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

creepy winking

Change the words in that heart and you’ve got a horror movie poster. Seriously, that dog looks like he just crawled out of “Pet Cemetery”

gun lover

For the gun lovers

nick cage

As in, i’m going to steal you, damage you, and reveal all of your secrets to the entire country.

press me

goes right along with the oven themed, “I’m hot for you!” Valentine’s Day card.

say yes

Fifty “No’s” and one “Yes” means yes!

And now, here are some baffling gifts that I found:

puns

The Cheaper the Chocolate, the better the puns.

fredricks

Because why by sexy lingerie at Fredericks of Hollywood, when you can buy a thin, white t-shirt? You can’t find that anywhere else!

victoria

That’s the spirit Victoria’s Secret!

hello g

Just in case your special someone cannot make it through breakfast without checking their make up.

Alright, that’s it for now, I’ve got to head off for work, but when I get off from work i’ll be enjoying this:

my valentine

Don’t get excited, I bought this for myself. What? You can’t shame me, I LIKE THE HEART BOX CHOCOLATES, OK!?

Because the most important part of any holiday to me is always one thing…

food love

-Tara

Tara Tuesdays! Where I’m going on a date with pink socks

Alright, don’t everybody get excited, but I might go on a date tonight. I’ve been pondering about whether or not I should write about this date for the blog, and I’ve come to the conclusion that since it is almost Valentine’s Day, this topic is relevant. So I think I’ll tell you about some of my preparation, but possibly not the date itself, since I don’t need to put EVERYTHING about myself on the internet.

sweet baby james

The three people who read this don’t need to know ALL my secrets.

EDIT: My mom says i’m using this picture too much, and that people will think this is MY baby. It is not. That is not one of my secrets.

 I had this plan to go on a speed dating excursion for Valentine’s Day and then write about it for the blog, but this didn’t work out for two reasons. First was that I couldn’t find any events, (which is weird, you would think that SOMEONE in the 8th largest city in the Country would organize a fun, Valentine’s Day Speed dating event), and second I was scheduled to close my department on Valentine’s Day. I’m the only single person in the deli, so I guess my boss thought it was the logical thing to do.

frown

Thanks boss. As I mop the floor I’ll make sure to play “One is the loneliest number” on the stereo on repeat, as I weep softly.

So anyways, I’m going on this date. I don’t even know where yet, by the way. There’s been a lot less “planning”, and a lot more, “random, last minute texts” when it comes to the preparation for this date. This is my life folks, the very shining example of epic romance.

All joking aside, he seems nice enough, and my philosophy about dates has always been: Hey, it’s just a date. If we don’t like each other it’s not the end of the world, worst case scenario is a few uncomfortable hours, and if we DO like each other then that’s awesome! And you shouldn’t be afraid to spend a couple hours at dinner finding out.

I’m nervous about this date for two reasons. Number one: it’s a date, and people get nervous for dates, and number two: It’s happening two days before Valentine’s Day, and I do not typically have good luck when it comes to Valentine’s Day.

Concerning number one, I’ve already gotten lots of advice for how to behave and dress if I go on a date. My coworker Josh told me I should curl my hair. I think I’ll pass, we all remember the last time I tried to fix my hair

blowdry1

Hot

 My coworker Raul told me, “Make sure to dress nice Tara. Have cleavage, but not too much, and show some leg. And DON’T wear your pink shoes.” Psh, obviously Raul, I would never wear my pink converse on a date, except for that one time where I wore my pink converse on a date

Then later I assembled two outfits and sent pictures of both of them to my best friend so that she could tell me which one was the best. Shockingly, she shot down the outfit that involved me wearing yellow turtle-shaped earrings. I’m not saying that I always make bad fashion decisions, I’m just saying that I’ve been known to make F aux-pas on an occasional basis.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

There is an explanation for why this outfit happened, but it’s funnier if you think that I just dress like this.

So yeah, there’s that aspect of the date. Then there’s the awkward Valentine’s Day thing. Valentine’s Day is two days away. I do not have good luck on Valentine’s Day. I already told you about how my first crush dissed me on Valentine’s Day, but there have been other times. Like one time in high school, where I had a big crush on this guy. On Valentine’s day we were talking and he asked me if he could borrow my note pad. He then proceeded to write a Valentine’s Day love confession to someone else while I watched. Probably while I listened to “I’m not that girl” from the musical Wicked on my Ipod dramatically.

glinda fist

Remember, this was the same time that I was playing Glinda from the Wizard Of OZ, so it would have been somewhat appropriate.

Then a couple of years ago in college I ACCIDENTALLY asked out a guy the day before Valentine’s Day. I know, I know, you don’t just accidentally ask someone out. That’s not what I’m saying, I’m saying that I asked him out without realizing what day of the month it was. Sometimes people are inspired by Valentine’s day, and they make declarations of love, or ask someone out because they feel the pressure of the holiday. This is NOT what happened with me, I just wanted to ask him out, and I have terrible timing.

He was a nice guy, he’s still a nice guy. I won’t mention him by name, but some of you who went to college with me will know who I’m talking about. He once told me that someone said to him that he looked like Ryan Gosling, and then that a girl who heard this burst out, “Ummm, I don’t think so, Ryan Gosling is ATTRACTIVE.” Man, what a bitchy thing to say, which is probably why I remember it. Anyways, for the purposes of this story, we will call him “Ryan Gosling Look-alike”.

Ryan Gosling Look-alike said no when I asked him out, which was fine, except that then the next day was VALENTINE’S DAY. The thing is, the worst thing about this wasn’t that the holiday was constantly reminding me of my romantic failings, it was that the whole day I kept thinking, “Oh My God, now he’s gonna think that this was some sort of, Valentine’s Day inspired declaration of love!” Which it was NOT. I would have been brave and asked Ryan Gosling Look-alike out on a date even if it hadn’t been the most romantic time of the year. So all day on the 14th I kept wanting to run up to him and shout, “Wait, me asking you out had nothing to do with Valentine’s Day! Do over, DO OVER!!!” But looking back that might have hurt the situation rather than help.

That’s all for today, I have a date to get ready for. I will NOT be wearing my pink converse, but I just found out that we’re going bowling so I have to bring socks, and these are my only clean pair.

socks

I know what you’re thinking. I’m sealing the deal with these babies.

Tara

The 4 awkward things that happen when I go to weddings

Everyone I know is getting engaged lately. And this is great! More power to you, i’m happy for everyone, it’s just that…

I am not good at weddings. It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that they are awkward for me. Let me explain, here are the four ways that I am not good at weddings.

1.Bouquet tossing.

There is never going to be a time when I participate in a bouquet tossing ceremony where everyone doesn’t think I’m cheating. I can’t help it that I’m taller than everyone else, but all of the other girls look at me with expressions that just scream, “This is unfair, you need to kneel down or something.” This ceremony is boring anyways. When I get married I’m going to “toss” my bouquet with a T-Shirt launcher. Just to keep things interesting.

2.Bridal party pictures of shoes.

The thing where all of the girls in the wedding party and the bride lift up their dresses to show off their awesome shoes.

wedding shoes

It’s a trend now. Every time I see a group of wedding photos there is always one like this.  I hate this trend, because of, you know…

giant feet

Giant feet.  Do you want this in your wedding photos? I didn’t think so.

When my best friend gets married, and I am a bridesmaid, one thing on my list of goals for that wedding is to prevent anyone from trying to take one of these photos. Because no one needs to see my giant feet in my one pair of favorite heels that I found 6 years ago and will not get rid of because I can’t find any others. I don’t hate shoes, it’s just that it’s not even worth it for me to look at them. Sometimes when I’m in a shoe store with a friend the sales person will rush up to me and ask if they can help me. I say no, I love the shoes but they won’t have my size. “Well what is your size???” “13.” “Oh well, no. But we have an 11!” ummmm good for you?

Me looking at shoes would be like a diabetic chocolate lover working in Willy Wonka’s factory. Why torture yourself?

3.Dressing for weddings.

Even if you’re not getting married, and even if you’re not in the wedding at all, everyone wants to look hot when they go to a wedding. It is an occasion for lookin’ good.

me in red2

This is how I dressed to go to my cousin Jenna’s wedding. Please ignore the way I’m awkwardly sticking out my chest in this photo.

 I think my wedding wardrobe has improved over the years, and even though I only own like two pairs of fancy shoes I manage to turn myself out in style for weddings these days. This has not always been the case however. I went to my first wedding when I was Eight years old and my uncle Dan married my Aunt Mindy. This is on the Niendorff side of the family. The Niendorff family knows how to throw a good party, but our special occasions or family milestones often turn out to be a comedy of errors. The Niendorff’s are not afraid to do ridiculous things for the sake of comedy, and the self-deprecating style of humor that I have developed comes from that side. If a Niendorff is in a situation where someone says, “Hey, do this ridiculous thing, or put on this ridiculous outfit, it will be funny!” We’re like, “YES. Tell everyone. Camera. Now.”

me in snuggie

Why yes, that is me wearing a snuggie and a chef’s hat in the middle of target, why do you ask?

 So much so that if I’m in a situation with someone else and they WON’T do silly things out of vanity I always feel like saying, “What’s the matter with you? This is how comedy happens, now put on the damn sombrero.”

Anyways though, back to the point. When my Uncle Dan got married I sort of wore a dress to the wedding that still had the anti-theft security tag on it. The one that they put on expensive things, and have to remove at the store. It was a special dress that my mom got at Dillards. She fixed my hair, and put me in my fancy dress. Then when she sent me off to go show Grandma, Grandma noticed the big tag hanging off one side, and undoubtedly assumed that her son had married a thief. This was not the case. The store forgot to remove the tag, and I had no choice but to go to the wedding as is. I thought it was funny, because I’m a Niendorff, and we think things like that are funny. My mom was not amused, and spent the rest of the wedding planning all of the things she was going to yell at the Dillards employees when we got back to San Antonio. So what I’m saying is, I don’t have a whole lot of luck when it comes to dressing smartly for weddings.

4.Bizarre preoccupation with the cake.

Another thing that happened at my Uncle Dan’s wedding was that I discovered my love for wedding cake. It’s embarrassing. There’s really no reason for me to be this interested in it, but it’s always one of the things that I’m most excited about when I find out I’m going to a wedding. It will probably be one of the things I get most excited about planning for my wedding.

Big-Wedding-Cakes-Pictures

Oh my gosh, that is just grotesquely opulent. I love it. So much sugar. So much frosting. All for me.

I just love cake. Go ahead and judge me. And a cake that looks really pretty too? Forget about it, I freak out.

jenna's cake

My Cousins wedding. Of course I took a picture of just the cake. Obviously.

When my cousin Jenna got married last summer she gave me the official duty of cutting and passing out the cake. This was both appropriate and unwise, because during the whole exercise I kept thinking, “No no, stop taking the cake I’m cutting! I want some for me too!”

The day after my Uncle Dan got married we went over to his house for breakfast, and I asked if there was any cake left. My new Aunt told me, “Yes, but only a little bit in the freezer.” At the time I didn’t know about the tradition where couples save a piece of cake to eat together on their one year anniversary, and so I was all like, “Well what the heck is it doing in the freezer, let’s get it out and eat it!”

So this is my experience with weddings so far. I hope that the weddings I go to now as an adult will be fun, and as long as I don’t go to anymore weddings in dresses that still have security tags on them, I should do alight.

-Tara

Where I accidentally drop expensive things at my job

Recently I’ve been trying to post on this blog more often, specifically at least two times a week. Sometimes I’m good at doing this, and other times I’m not. The biggest obstacle is time. It should probably go without saying that my day job at Costco takes up the biggest chunk of my time that I could be using to write.

For instance, I wrote most of this post at 1am when I had to be at work at 8am, followed by volunteering with my church at the homeless shelter immediately afterwards when I got off at 4:30. I’m always busy. And work is about to get even crazier because Costco is about to enter…

PIZZAPALUZZA

(When I typed “Pizzapaluzza into my Microsoft word document for the first time it did NOT underline it in red. Really Microsoft? We both know that’s not a real word, it’s just me being clever.)

For those of you who don’t know, I work in the deli department at Costco, and we make take and bake pizzas. These Pizzas are 14 inches across and during PIZZAPALUZZA they are only $5.99.

pizzapaluzza

I know right?! You’re probably already closing your laptop to rush out and get a Costco membership. But before you do that, let me tell you about PIZZAPALUZZA, so you understand where I’m coming from.

1.PIZZAPALUZZA is SUCH a brilliant way to describe what happens at my warehouse when our pizzas go on sale. It’s so crazy that it needs its own special name. Our pepperoni pizzas go on sale three times a year, and one of those times is always around the Superbowl. Last year we sold over 400 pepperoni pizzas the day before the Superbowl, more than any other Costco in Texas. This Wednesday, the day before the sale started, we prepared by making 150 pizzas ahead of time. We have to pull in people from other departments. People will buy 5, 10, 15 pizzas at a time. It gets crazy. I tried to explain PIZZAPALUZZA to my supervisor Nuffie the other day, because this is his first one. He’s still innocent, he doesn’t know what it feels like yet. So we had this conversation:

Me: “Nuffie, when our pizzas go on sale I call it, “PIZZAPALUZZA”.

Nuffie: “Haha, you’re dumb.”

Me: “Because people will be dishing out a lot of DOUGH for our pizza. People will be spending some serious CHEESE to get a SLICE of our PIE.”

Nuffie: “Please stop.”

He doesn’t understand. But he will.

2.I might have mentioned this briefly before, but I’m somewhat clumsy.

Last week me and my best friend Megan had a conversation about a potential date that I might go on and she said to me, “ You’re very charming, just don’t knock anything over on him. I only say this because when we’re together you always knock something over.” This clumsiness follows me to work. And then my coworkers blow it TOTALLY out of proportion. It’s sort of a running gag at work actually. I drop things all the time, but there were three specific times where I dropped big, expensive things.

One was a month ago when I did NOT KNOCK OVER, BUT WAS STEERING WHEN IT FELL OVER, a cart full of raw chickens ready to go into the oven. Specifically there were 32. We sell those for five dollars each. You figure out the math, it will depress me if I do it.

That’s the biggest one recently, another big accident happened for me at PIZZAPALUZZA.

It was that Saturday I mentioned where we sold more pizzas than any other Costco in Texas. That sounds impressive, but it comes at a price. This day, that price was breaking my spirit. I was closing, and we were waaaaaaaaaay behind. It was a very stressful evening, and I was running around the department like an insane person, not even knowing where to start with cleaning. My supervisor Emmanuel was staying late to help me prepare shrimp for the next day. Every night at Costo we thaw out big, expensive boxes of frozen cooked shrimp for the next day. Like pounds upon pounds of shrimp. You know where this is going.

In my haste, I knocked over a cart full of hundreds of dollars worth of shrimp…

frown

For the second time.

frown2

Yes, I’ve knocked over carts full of expensive shrimp twice. Both times in front of one of my bosses.

And that’s when I burst into tears, which was good in a way because it meant that Emmanuel didn’t yell at me for being a clumsy ox, but instead just patted me awkwardly on the shoulder.

So anyways, things at Costco get pretty crazy. Even when they aren’t crazy I drop things, less expensive things though. So much so that sometimes when someone finds something on the floor, I will hear, “Alright Tara, what did you do this time?” But since I am so breathtakingly charming and helpful, I have not been fired yet. That’s all for today, and now you know that if you don’t hear from me in a while it’s because i’m off at work.

Probably dropping things.

-Tara