Hello, how are you this afternoon readers? It’s been a pretty nice week for me, besides having to call in sick to work. Calling in sick is never fun, but it does give me a little bit of extra time to sit around and think about things to write for the blog. I had a little inspiration this week because a couple of days ago I got to get together with my extended family. Specifically, my mom’s siblings and their children. Over the course of the visit we got to talking about many of the injuries, mishaps, and adventures that we all had as children. It was these conversations that inspired my post for today, where I thought I would share with you some of my more embarrassing and awful stories from childhood, specifically the period including middle school.
I wanted a picture from middle school, but there are very few that survive, so here is one from high school. You’ll just have to imagine this, but even more awkward. Somehow.
ONE. That time where I grew 12 inches in four years.
Oh, no joke here, it happened. I was always the biggest of the kids, but 4th grade was when things really got out of control. I started out 4th grade at 5’2, and ended 4th grade at 5’4. My growth spurt is actually what made my parents stop taking me to day care. At around the age of ten, I noticed that some of the other kids at the day care were starting to approach me with bizarre questions like, “Can I play in the big kid game room?” “Can Jimmy come into the big kid room too?” and, “Can I go to the bathroom please?”I was perplexed for several weeks until I realized that the other children at day care had started assuming that I was one of the caretakers. At TEN.
Something about this persona screamed “adult”
After that, I grew approximately 2 inches every year until the end of 8th grade, where I pretty much stopped at 6’1 or so. Middle school is awkward anyways, but the terribleness of the whole experience is intensified when you are a foot taller than all of the cute boys, and you can no longer buy shoes meant for adult women by the time you reach age 12. I’m not sorry that I’m tall, it’s part of who I am and I love it, but I am sorry that my growth spurt happened in this window of time. Once in 8th grade I walked into a classroom and a student asked if I was the substitute. My height caused people to think I was an adult a disturbing number of times, and it also led to another awkward incident that I like to call…
TWO: That time where I hit another human being in the face with my elbow
My middle school was the weirdest school ever. Every aspect of our behavior was rigidly controlled, and there was a lot of herding. We had assigned seating at lunch, we weren’t allowed to carry our backpacks around during the day, and we had one-way hallways. That’s right, one-way hallways. Between classes we were only allowed to go one direction down the hall ways. Like, if our class was behind us, we had to walk all the way around the building to get to it. It was stupid. I think the teachers spent way too much time thinking up ways to treat us like cattle rather than actual human beings. And I blame the one way hallways for this particular incident because without them we wouldn’t have all had to walk in crowed, single file packs. So once when I was walking down a packed hallway surrounded by a whole herd of 6th graders. While I walked, I swung my elbow back and hit a 6th grade girl in the face with it. Literally. I know I exaggerate some of my stories, but this is not one of those times. She was so short that her face was at the same height as my elbow. It was traumatizing for both of us.
I thought that something so horrifying could only happen to me in the confines of middle school, but then about 6th months ago a sweaty child ran into my elbow. Afterwards my elbow was wet. It was traumatizing for both of us.
THREE: That time when I had a Freudian slip.
Ok, I cannot be the only person who has done what I’m about to tell you about. That does not make it less awkward. Once, in the middle of 8th grade science class I was called upon to answer a question about organisms, and instead of organisms I said orgasms. This was especially embarrassing because I’m pretty sure that I barely even knew what an orgasm was at the time. I was only 14. Never the less, I said it, in the middle of a silent classroom, with everyone staring right at me. I remember being in the middle of my answer, and realizing after I had said it that something had gone dreadfully wrong. No one stopped me though, or laughed, or acknowledged it in any way, except to stare at me, shocked. So I turned red, and started sweating, and sputtering, and I honestly don’t even know how my response ended. I think eventually I just faded out slowly, like a song on the radio, as everyone watched me in horror. Then after a pause the teacher cleared his throat and said loudly, “Yes, ORGANISMS do have the fundamental characteristic of…”
And then I crawled under the desk and perished from embarrassment, at which point one of the other students jumped up and said, “Um sir, I think the substitute teacher just died!”
That’s all for today readers, what embarrassing things happened to you during your youth?