Tara Tuesday! Where I fast forward to happier times

So I’ve been dating this guy…

Yeah, you’ve heard about it. People keep asking me things like, “Is it official?” and I’m like, “Is it official? Um, I dunno, we haven’t gotten matching engraved ‘his and her’ bath towels yet, but as soon as we do I’ll let you know.” I’m not good at dating. Maybe there are women out there who know how to have these conversations about whether or not you’re officially a couple yet, and if you’re exclusive to one another, etc, but I don’t know how to have them. So in the meantime, I make this man I’m dating take me to go get giant cinnamon rolls.

giant cinnamon roll

My text was literally, “Let’s go to this restaurant because we can get a giant cinnamon roll.”

There is this restaurant called “Lulu’s café in downtown San Antonio. It is famous, and was featured on “Man vs. Food” because it has giant cinnamon rolls. Not amazing, out of this world, expertly crafted cinnamon rolls, just big ones. We got one for the two of us, and we were only able to eat a third of it. I’m not going to say it was a bad cinnamon roll, it just wasn’t amazing.  I would rather have a regular sized cinnamon roll that tasted amazing than a giant one that tasted like the cinnamon roll that you can get in a cafeteria line.

After we had most of our enormous cinnamon roll wrapped up, my man took it home with him. We came in separate cars, and at a stoplight he pulled up next to me and started brandishing the cinnamon roll at me with gusto. I don’t know what that meant, and he has yet to explain it to me.

Last week I came over to his house to play a gambling game with him, his uncle, and his grandma. This sounds like a weird grouping but it wasn’t, I work with his grandma, she’s the one who introduced us. The game involved spinning a Mexican dreidel, and then either giving or receiving the number of quarters that the dreidel landed on. So sometimes you would have to put quarters in, sometimes you would take some from the pile, sometimes you would win the whole pile, etc, etc. That’s all well and good, except that I couldn’t spin the dreidel!

Dreidel

No seriously, it’s a good thing I’m not Jewish, life would have been much harder.

Instead of spinning quietly and gracefully like the spinning top in the movie Inception, every time I tried to spin the dreidel it would like, go crashing along the table, knocking into other people’s quarters. And it KEPT happening to me, I couldn’t ever get it right. I cannot spin a top. My man’s grandma found it so funny that she got out her phone and recorded it to show our coworkers the next day.

This is what happens when I go on dates. Family members get out recording devices to document my hilarious ineptitude.

Another thing that I’m finding out from dating this guy is that apparently I am a weird person.

Ana and I

7th grade makeup

me in snuggie

Nothing amiss here.

 He says I’m weird because I don’t just watch the show “The Walking Dead”, I wait until the episode airs, go read spoilers on the internet, and THEN I watch the show. He was very confused by this, even after I explained to him that it is because I want to know who dies in advance. Not because I want it to be ruined for me, I just want to be emotionally prepared for when characters I love die. If the character I love dies then it’s awful, but if I already know it’s coming, it softens the blow. Like, “Oh man, I think we’re getting to the part where Timothy gets shot in the chest and falls off a cliff-ohp, yeah, there it is.” If I don’t spoil it for myself it plays out like, “WHAT!!!! TIMOTHY JUST GOT SHOT IN THE CHEST!!!! HOW COULD THEY DO THIS!!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!”

I do this with new movies that I have heard are really sad too.  And during my favorite movies, I have to fast forward through scenes that are embarrassing, humiliating, or emotionally wrenching for my favorite characters. Like somehow I can spare them from the awfulness that’s about to happen.

simba

It’s ok Simba, I’m fastforwarding, you’ll be meeting two new best friends in no time!

Apparently this makes me weird. Psh. If fast forwarding through the lion king so that I can watch “Hakuna Matata” sooner makes me wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

-Tara

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Where I hit people in the face with my elbow

Hello, how are you this afternoon readers? It’s been a pretty nice week for me, besides having to call in sick to work. Calling in sick is never fun, but it does give me a little bit of extra time to sit around and think about things to write for the blog. I had a little inspiration this week because a couple of days ago I got to get together with my extended family. Specifically, my mom’s siblings and their children. Over the course of the visit we got to talking about many of the injuries, mishaps, and adventures that we all had as children. It was these conversations that inspired my post for today, where I thought I would share with you some of my more embarrassing and awful stories from childhood, specifically the period including middle school.

awkward me

I wanted a picture from middle school, but there are very few that survive, so here is one from high school. You’ll just have to imagine this, but even more awkward. Somehow.

ONE. That time where I grew 12 inches in four years.

Oh, no joke here, it happened. I was always the biggest of the kids, but 4th grade was when things really got out of control. I started out 4th grade at 5’2, and ended 4th grade at 5’4. My growth spurt is actually what made my parents stop taking me to day care.  At around the age of ten, I noticed that some of the other kids at the day care were starting to approach me with bizarre questions like, “Can I play in the big kid game room?” “Can Jimmy come into the big kid room too?” and, “Can I go to the bathroom please?”I was perplexed for several weeks until I realized that the other children at day care had started assuming that I was one of the caretakers. At TEN.

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Something about this persona screamed “adult”

After that, I grew approximately 2 inches every year until the end of 8th grade, where I pretty much stopped at 6’1 or so.  Middle school is awkward anyways, but the terribleness of the whole experience is intensified when you are a foot taller than all of the cute boys, and you can no longer buy shoes meant for adult women by the time you reach age 12. I’m not sorry that I’m tall, it’s part of who I am and I love it, but I am sorry that my growth spurt happened in this window of time. Once in 8th grade I walked into a classroom and a student asked if I was the substitute. My height caused people to think I was an adult a disturbing number of times, and it also led to another awkward incident that I like to call…

TWO: That time where I hit another human being in the face with my elbow

My middle school was the weirdest school ever. Every aspect of our behavior was rigidly controlled, and there was a lot of herding. We had assigned seating at lunch, we weren’t allowed to carry our backpacks around during the day, and we had one-way hallways. That’s right, one-way hallways. Between classes we were only allowed to go one direction down the hall ways. Like, if our class was behind us, we had to walk all the way around the building to get to it. It was stupid. I think the teachers spent way too much time thinking up ways to treat us like cattle rather than actual human beings. And I blame the one way hallways for this particular incident because without them we wouldn’t have all had to walk in crowed, single file packs.  So once when I was walking down a packed hallway surrounded by a whole herd of 6th graders. While I walked, I swung my elbow back and hit a 6th grade girl in the face with it. Literally. I know I exaggerate some of my stories, but this is not one of those times. She was so short that her face was at the same height as my elbow. It was traumatizing for both of us.

I thought that something so horrifying could only happen to me in the confines of middle school, but then about 6th months ago a sweaty child ran into my elbow. Afterwards my elbow was wet. It was traumatizing for both of us.

THREE: That time when I had a Freudian slip.

Ok, I cannot be the only person who has done what I’m about to tell you about. That does not make it less awkward. Once, in the middle of 8th grade science class I was called upon to answer a question about organisms, and instead of organisms I said orgasms. This was especially embarrassing because I’m pretty sure that I barely even knew what an orgasm was at the time. I was only 14. Never the less, I said it, in the middle of a silent classroom, with everyone staring right at me. I remember being in the middle of my answer, and realizing after I had said it that something had gone dreadfully wrong. No one stopped me though, or laughed, or acknowledged it in any way, except to stare at me, shocked. So I turned red, and started sweating, and sputtering, and I honestly don’t even know how my response ended. I think eventually I just faded out slowly, like a song on the radio, as everyone watched me in horror. Then after a pause the teacher cleared his throat and said loudly, “Yes, ORGANISMS do have the fundamental characteristic of…”

And then I crawled under the desk and perished from embarrassment, at which point one of the other students jumped up and said, “Um sir, I think the substitute teacher just died!”

That’s all for today readers, what embarrassing things happened to you during your youth?

-Tara

Tara Tuesday! My SXSW story in pictures

This past weekend my best friend Megan and I drove up to Austin to experience the music festival SXSW. We did this last year too, and when I say we went to SXSW, it isn’t really true.  To go to the official events sponsored by SXSW you have to pay literally thousands of dollars for a badge. I looked it up. There will never be a time when I love music that much. Unless Jesus is starting a band with a resurrected John Lennon and Johnny Cash, I will never pay that much money to get into a concert. (By the way, wouldn’t that be a cool band? Since it’s 2013 they would play nothing but dubstep and call themselves “J to the 3rd power”…or “Jesus saves J”…or “Three Wise Men” OMG, that last one, let’s copyright it, quick!)

No, what Megan and I like to do is just arrive at 6th street and walk from bar to bar, listening to a certain band for a little while, and then moving on to the next one.  Let me share with you some of the things we saw and experienced in Austin last Friday. Mostly through pictures, and several of them taken by Megan(twitter account: @mlovelady11). Why are several of them Megan’s? Because she had a real camera, and also because I don’t know how to frame things. Illustrated by these two photo’s we took of the same band.

Sxsw1

sxsw2

Why get the whole band in the photo? That would be silly.

First things first, I drove to San Marcos, picked up Megan, and then we drove to Austin. We parked at my Uncle Dan’s house. He lives on 12th street, within walking distance of the Capital, and 6th street, where we wanted to go. He also lives across the street from a food truck village.  It’s a pretty hip place.

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Definitely in Austin now

After we got to Austin we walked down to the capital to meet our friend Birk.  Birk is a friend of mine from college where we were both officers in the Young Democrats at UTSA

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Birk is next to me. Funny story, Birk was the “Chairman” of the Young democrats, but everyone always accidentally called him “President”. Trying to put a stop to this confusion, we renamed the position “President” in the middle of the semester after we had all gotten used to the old name, whereupon we all continued to call him “Chairman” by mistake.

Unlike me, Birk used his Political Science degree to get a real job in Austin as a legislative aide.

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Here is a picture of the beautiful capital dome.@mlovelady11

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Here is another one, with a giant tree blocking the view of the dome. Can you tell which photo was taken by Megan?

Birk met us for lunch, and took us to a local Austin place for lunch called the Texas Chili Parlor. I was super excited. In the last few years I’ve made a real effort to go to local places when I’m out of town. I figure that I can go to Chili’s restaurant anywhere, but I can only go to local restaurants in the town that they are located. So we went to this place, and then our waiter was the most bored, vaguely angry looking waiter I have ever had. When we walked in the door he was literally like, “I guess you can sit here…whatever.” That’s not the point though, the food was delicious, and we had a good time seeing Birk.

sxsw6

Not a good enough time to take a photo with him evidently. Stupid of me. But as you can see I was too busy taking artsy photo’s of restaurant signs.

After that Birk took us back to the Capital and showed us the memorial for fallen Police officers, and told us where things were in the Capital, which was important because Megan had never been there before!

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She’s lived in Texas her whole life, how did this happen!?

Finally though, after we had walked around the Capital a little bit, and Megan had gotten a sufficient amount of Texas history, we walked down to 6th street. Before I get into the bands that we actually heard and saw, let me share with you some of the very interesting people we saw. Because that’s absolutely part of SXSW, all of the interesting people watching that you can do.

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Tight, tight leather pants and an exposed chest. Because why the hell not? After I took this picture some drunk girls in equally strange clothes ran up to him to take pictures with him.

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I told you that we went last year. I didn’t hear a whisper about any of the same bands that we saw last year…except for this one random street performer. After posting a photo on my facebook page my friend Geoff excitedly commented, “OMG, YOU SAW THE VIOLIN MONSTER!!??” I looked. Violinmonster.com, it’s a real thing. I’m glad someone knew who he was.

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Before anyone gets excited, No, I didn’t put a dollar in that garter belt. @mlovelady11

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Gumby! @mlovelady11

But enough of that, as you can see, there were lots of interesting people to look at. Lets talk about the bands we saw and the music we listened to. Before we begin though, lets play a game. Try to guess which of these are real band names, and which are just ones that I made up.

Great Peacock, Sudden Grudge, The Virgin Wolves, Pelican Murder, Bumpin Uglies, The Pin Up Girls, The Wilderness of Manitoba, and Trees on Fire.

Quick, no cheating, which ones are real?

Sudden Grudge, Pelican Murder, The Pin Up Girls, and Trees on Fire are ones that I invented They may or may not exist already. If they don’t exist though I think I might get copyrights and start my own indie alternative band. The other ones are real. I didn’t ever get to see Bumpin Uglies.

The bands that we did see are as follows

The Rise of the Broken:

sxsw13

We actually didn’t see much of them, but this was the first band and I was all like, “OMG, OMG, we’re here! We’re so cool, we’re watching an indie band at SXSW, I have to document our counter-culture hip-ness!!!” @mlovelady11

The Hindu Pirates:

sxsw14

Megan and I both really liked them, they were really skilled, but they didn’t have a microphone! I didn’t hear their vocals until I looked them up at home.

The Wilderness of Manitoba:

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See, this is a real band! They totally had the kind of sound that I like, and not at all the kind of sound that Megan likes. I made her stay for a while though, sorry Megan.

Paris Luna:

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This band was sort of a rock/country fusion. I bought a couple of their songs on itunes when I got home. They were good, but this music video of theirs is sort of hilariously terribly acted:

Sam Sliva and the Good

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They sang a song specifically about San Marcos, which was exciting to Megan.

The Golden Ghosts:

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Another good band. Their front man was really funny and charming. This was also one of the bands that I got free CD from.

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Their bassist was wearing really skinny jeans though. Like I should have been enjoying the music, but instead of that I was just looking at him thinking, “Those just can’t be comfortable. Someone needs to find him some nice levi’s.”

Paper Lions:

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Might have been my favorite band of the evening. You might notice that we are behind the band. The club had a cover, but large, open windows, so we just kinda hung out like a bunch of free loaders.@mlovelady11

 After they finished their set Megan reached through the window and tapped the bassist on the shoulder and he sold us two CD’s. Since the club had a cover we were just hanging out by the window between sets. Then the bouncer saw us and asked if we knew the bands performing. Megan lied and said yes, and the bouncer told us to go around the block and through the back alley, and he would let us through the back door for free. I don’t know what inspired him to do this, but we followed instructions and went down the dangerous, creepy looking back alley.  Then he led us down the dirtiest, most dimly lit set of stairs that I have ever seen. Seriously, I can only imagine how many shots of heroine have been given and received on that staircase. It was so shady that I wanted to stop and take a picture, but I thought that stopping the bouncer with, “hold on, I have to take pictures of this staircase for my blog” would have been trying the man’s patience. When we got in we saw another band!

The Cold Wars:

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Megan liked this band, they had a real punk/alternative sound. They were also giving out cassette tapes instead of CD’s because apparently they forgot that it’s 2013, and not 1991.

And that was our SXSW adventure! We left 6th street at around 10pm because we’re as wild and crazy as two old ladies.

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Instead of drinking we bought milk and cookies on the way home. We’re legit.

That’s all for today, have a good day readers!

-Tara

Tara Tuesday! Where I get lost on the south side

It happened again. I promised myself to write more often, and be more consistent, and then I went two weeks without posting. I’ve been busy. There was work as usual, plus church functions as usual, plus social life as usual, but now I also have dates that are taking up part of my time. That’s right, date(s) plural. I’m really popular. As a result i’ve been horribly neglecting the blog, but that is over right now! Let me tell you about a few of the things that have happened since we last talked.

1.A few posts ago I told you about how I had a date planned with a certain gentleman right before Valentine’s day. Well I had a good time. We went bowling, and I wore pink socks with bowling shoes and a black skirt.

bowling shoes

Well I wasn’t NOT going to wear my cute black skirt on a first date. Notice also how the socks make my legs look all short and stubby. I know how to attract the fellas.

Like literally every other sport of physical activity, I’m not good at bowling. Lots of people are terrible at bowling, but my technique has less to do with rolling, and more to do hurling the ball as far down the lane as possible. When I throw my bowling ball it goes halfway down the lane before landing with a scary thud. Like a shot put but underhand.

shotput-barnes

This might work better for me. I swear, I knock down more pins when the ball has less “rolling” time and more “High in the air” time.

I hit more pins this way, but every time I turned around my date was staring at me with open mouthed disbelief. At first I thought he was just being melodramatic, but then we went on a double date with his friends and when I turned around after throwing the ball the first time they were all giving me the same look.

surprised

This isn’t the sort of facial expression that you should inspire in others while dating.

2. I went to the Rodeo! A group of girls from my church got together and we went to enjoy the festivities. I ate a corn dog, AND a deep fried snickers bar. Every year I go to the rodeo I tell myself that I am not going to get a deep fried oddity, and every year I am intrigued by some new, terrible food monstrosity. One year it was deep fried oreos, the next year it was deep fried twinkies, and this year it was deep fried candy bar. And I suffered for it. I got heartburn in the middle of the night and I had terrible nightmares. Heart burn is supposed to happen to old fat men, not young, beautiful 20somethings. I should be exempt from negative food consequences.

cream puffs

I also got heartburn after these cream puffs. Life is hard.

I also ran into one of my coworkers at the rodeo. While I was standing in line for corndogs my coworker Arturo came up and started talking to me. My church friends were off to the side waiting for me, and apparently were watching me,  having a discussion about whether or not I needed to be rescued from this middle aged guy who was apparently hitting on me. They didn’t rescue me, but the situation made me realize that maybe we should develop signals in case a rescue is ever required.

creepy_man(1)

Ok, I take it back. If this guy is ever talking to me, making this expression then you shouldn’t need a signal.

3. I got lost on the south side at 1am. This one is actually also about dating. As I said, the man I am dating took me on a double date last week, and at the end of the date we ended up splitting up from his friends, so I had to give him a ride home. This caused problems to begin with because we had to argue about my driving skills. I am a GOOD driver, and I DO NOT take turns to fast. Geez, everybody’s always judging me. I’ve never been in a car accident. Which is not a “miracle”, DAD.

 me and dad

Yeah Dad, make jokes about my driving, just remember that I’ll be choosing your nursing home.

Anyways the guy i’m dating lives on the south side, which I am not very familiar with. After I dropped him off I got lost, and I had to call my mom at 1am to help me get home.  Which was embarrassing since my date told me when we parted ways, “Text me to let me know you got home safe, which I kind of doubt, now that I’ve seen your driving.” And I was all like, “Haha, very funny, I’ll get home just fine.” the joke was on me. 

4. I’ve been looking for advice about writing. Online, and in books. I’ve found a lot of good stuff and insightful information, but I also found this at half-priced books:

how to romance

This is probably why Fifty Shades of Grey exists. I hope you’re happy America.

I take a lot of weird photo’s on my phone for my blog. I realized this today. A lot of times it’s just stuff that I find ridiculous or silly. But I hope my phone never gets stolen, or gets confiscated by the police for evidence or something, because these strange photos have no context.

getting wild

This photo comes after another photo of a weird bra that I found at Victoria Secret. Don’t assume things world, I don’t need instructions on “getting wild and kinky”. 

That’s it for today readers! I promise to be good, and post more often from now on. Like later this week, where I’ll tell you about the awkward things that happened to me during middle school. Have you ever hit another person in the face by accident with your elbow? Well I have, and you’ll get to hear about it!

-Tara

TTTG:part 3 BODYATTACK. Where awkward things hapen in the locker room

BODYATTACK was intense. I had a hard time keeping up. This class is based on sports and athletics…sort of. The point of BODYPUMP is to work on strength in all of your major muscle groups, and the point of BODYSTEP is to work on leg strength and cardio.  I think the point of BODYATTACK is to do exercises and movements that you would do during outdoor sports. There was lots of jumping, jogging in place, and leg movement. This class is all about interval cardio training. There was also a part of the class where we did…Push ups.

Ok, I have an embarrassing confession to make. I have no upper body strength. It’s embarrassing because I’m a HUGE PERSON, and you would think that I would have some strength behind me. And when I say I can’t do pushups, girl pushups are what I’m talking about. I mean, I can do like…two. And then I collapse like the exhausted fatty that I am. Regular, manly-man pushups? Forget it, I couldn’t do one if someone was holding a gun to my head.

The class itself is good, but I don’t really have very many funny comments to make about it.  I really need to go to the gym more often. Lately, I’ve been going only once or twice a week, which isn’t enough, but I just get so busy! I have been going more often than before though, which is why for this blog, I have funny comments about my other experiences at the gym.

I don’t typically like to shower at the gym. Every time I tell people this, they always react negatively. Like, “What!? EWWWWW” To which I respond: why is it a gross thing to not shower at the gym, when I can just drive to my own shower a very short distance away? My house is seven minutes to the gym, it’s not like I have to go on this long, sweaty safari just to get back to another shower if I don’t use the one at the gym. I can be sweaty for seven extra minutes if it means I don’t have to wear flip flops while I shower.

All that being said however, I have now showered at the gym several times because I had to meet someone immediately afterwards. Two of these times happened to be after BODYATTACK.  My gym tries to provide good showering services; they have shampoo, conditioner, and bodywash in all of the showers. For my first shower I tried them. Using the shampoo was a little unsettling because it had the exact color, texture, and smell of DayQuil.

dayquil

You know, the cold medicine. Since it didn’t make my hair sticky I gave the gym the benefit of the doubt and assumed that it was not actually cold medicine.

The second thing that happened during my first gym shower was that I didn’t have a towel. Peak time at my gym is 6pm, which is right around the time that I took my shower, and they were all out of shower towels. So I had two hand towels to dry off with. Also, like many public showers, there seemed to be two settings for water temperature in my particular shower booth, which were frigid, or HELL.

None of these experiences are as awkward though as what happened to me after my first BODYATTACK class.  That shower was awkward because I hadn’t shaved my legs.  Ok, ok, before everybody starts freaking out, let me explain. I wasn’t hairy or anything, it hadn’t been weeks since I had shaved or something. More like three or four days. Look, I don’t have a boyfriend, and nobody else is eager to tenderly stroke my calves on a daily basis, so there really is no reason for me to shave EVERY day. Sometimes I will hear other women say, “Oh, I shave every day, even if I’m single. Gross.”

Kirsten Haglund

And then I’m like, “WELL AREN’T YOU JUST MISS AMERICA?! ANY OTHER WAYS YOU WANT TO MAKE ME FEEL INADEQUATE!?” Except that I don’t REALLY say that, because then I would have no female friends.

So anyways, I was…prickly. Which is fine when it’s the winter, and you’re wearing jeans.  Not so fine when you strip down to your underwear in a locker room full of other women, and realize that everyone else looks like they just left the set of a Gillette razor commercial.

It was awkward enough for me to develop a strategy while I was taking my shower. I would rush back to my locker as fast as possible, and put on jeans quickly, before any of the other women noticed my prickliness. I did so, but in the middle of my sprint I was intercepted by the instructor of the BODYATTACK class that I had just attended. Of course she recognized me at once, because who WOULDN’T remember the uncoordinated, flailing giant in the middle of their aerobics class.

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I’m noticeable. Can you spot me in this picture? Hint: I’m the one you will initially assume is a teacher.

 So we had a conversation about the class.

While I was pant-less.

With prickly legs.

You know what was more awkward than that? When we politely chatted, said goodbye, and then walked in the same direction to our lockers, which were right next to each other. So we were forced to have ANOTHER conversation, and my legs were still not shaved.

Actual, serious thoughts about the class:

BODYATTACK has been the most demanding of the classes that I have taken so far. I know I’ve only told you about two others, but I’ve actually also been to Pilates and Zumba. There were times during ATTACK that I thought I wasn’t going to be able to finish, and I had to convert to some of the easier “modifications” several times.  It was a good, hard class.

What was sore afterwards:

Nothing specifically. The class was more fatiguing than anything else. A lot of times after a good workout I feel really good,  those endorphins kick in in a really good way for me. Not for BODYATTACK. After the first time, I just felt bad.

Will I go again?:

Well, I said that I would go back to BODYSTEP, and BODYPUMP, and I intended to, but I haven’t made it back to either yet. I DID already go to BODYATTACK again, and it was just as hard as the first time. Probably because like I said, I keep only going to the gym like once a week. This class is only once a week though, so although I will try to keep going, I know that there will be times I have to miss.

That’s all for today guys, I’m off to take a shower and shave my legs. Which is something that I do, FREQUENTLY. Geez…

-Tara

Happy Valentines Day! Where you’ll be mine whether you want to or not.

Happy Valentines Day blog readers! I hope you’re having a fabulous day, I know that I am. I just want to make a quick post today, as I mentioned earlier this week, I have to work tonight. Before I go though, I thought I would share with you some truly touching, loving sentiments on this Valentine’s Day.

are you game

You should give this card along with a wrapped DVD of the movie ” The Predator”.

bound

I’m assuming that this is the card that Ana gave Christian in “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

creepy winking

Change the words in that heart and you’ve got a horror movie poster. Seriously, that dog looks like he just crawled out of “Pet Cemetery”

gun lover

For the gun lovers

nick cage

As in, i’m going to steal you, damage you, and reveal all of your secrets to the entire country.

press me

goes right along with the oven themed, “I’m hot for you!” Valentine’s Day card.

say yes

Fifty “No’s” and one “Yes” means yes!

And now, here are some baffling gifts that I found:

puns

The Cheaper the Chocolate, the better the puns.

fredricks

Because why by sexy lingerie at Fredericks of Hollywood, when you can buy a thin, white t-shirt? You can’t find that anywhere else!

victoria

That’s the spirit Victoria’s Secret!

hello g

Just in case your special someone cannot make it through breakfast without checking their make up.

Alright, that’s it for now, I’ve got to head off for work, but when I get off from work i’ll be enjoying this:

my valentine

Don’t get excited, I bought this for myself. What? You can’t shame me, I LIKE THE HEART BOX CHOCOLATES, OK!?

Because the most important part of any holiday to me is always one thing…

food love

-Tara

Tara Tuesdays! Where I’m going on a date with pink socks

Alright, don’t everybody get excited, but I might go on a date tonight. I’ve been pondering about whether or not I should write about this date for the blog, and I’ve come to the conclusion that since it is almost Valentine’s Day, this topic is relevant. So I think I’ll tell you about some of my preparation, but possibly not the date itself, since I don’t need to put EVERYTHING about myself on the internet.

sweet baby james

The three people who read this don’t need to know ALL my secrets.

EDIT: My mom says i’m using this picture too much, and that people will think this is MY baby. It is not. That is not one of my secrets.

 I had this plan to go on a speed dating excursion for Valentine’s Day and then write about it for the blog, but this didn’t work out for two reasons. First was that I couldn’t find any events, (which is weird, you would think that SOMEONE in the 8th largest city in the Country would organize a fun, Valentine’s Day Speed dating event), and second I was scheduled to close my department on Valentine’s Day. I’m the only single person in the deli, so I guess my boss thought it was the logical thing to do.

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Thanks boss. As I mop the floor I’ll make sure to play “One is the loneliest number” on the stereo on repeat, as I weep softly.

So anyways, I’m going on this date. I don’t even know where yet, by the way. There’s been a lot less “planning”, and a lot more, “random, last minute texts” when it comes to the preparation for this date. This is my life folks, the very shining example of epic romance.

All joking aside, he seems nice enough, and my philosophy about dates has always been: Hey, it’s just a date. If we don’t like each other it’s not the end of the world, worst case scenario is a few uncomfortable hours, and if we DO like each other then that’s awesome! And you shouldn’t be afraid to spend a couple hours at dinner finding out.

I’m nervous about this date for two reasons. Number one: it’s a date, and people get nervous for dates, and number two: It’s happening two days before Valentine’s Day, and I do not typically have good luck when it comes to Valentine’s Day.

Concerning number one, I’ve already gotten lots of advice for how to behave and dress if I go on a date. My coworker Josh told me I should curl my hair. I think I’ll pass, we all remember the last time I tried to fix my hair

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Hot

 My coworker Raul told me, “Make sure to dress nice Tara. Have cleavage, but not too much, and show some leg. And DON’T wear your pink shoes.” Psh, obviously Raul, I would never wear my pink converse on a date, except for that one time where I wore my pink converse on a date

Then later I assembled two outfits and sent pictures of both of them to my best friend so that she could tell me which one was the best. Shockingly, she shot down the outfit that involved me wearing yellow turtle-shaped earrings. I’m not saying that I always make bad fashion decisions, I’m just saying that I’ve been known to make F aux-pas on an occasional basis.

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There is an explanation for why this outfit happened, but it’s funnier if you think that I just dress like this.

So yeah, there’s that aspect of the date. Then there’s the awkward Valentine’s Day thing. Valentine’s Day is two days away. I do not have good luck on Valentine’s Day. I already told you about how my first crush dissed me on Valentine’s Day, but there have been other times. Like one time in high school, where I had a big crush on this guy. On Valentine’s day we were talking and he asked me if he could borrow my note pad. He then proceeded to write a Valentine’s Day love confession to someone else while I watched. Probably while I listened to “I’m not that girl” from the musical Wicked on my Ipod dramatically.

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Remember, this was the same time that I was playing Glinda from the Wizard Of OZ, so it would have been somewhat appropriate.

Then a couple of years ago in college I ACCIDENTALLY asked out a guy the day before Valentine’s Day. I know, I know, you don’t just accidentally ask someone out. That’s not what I’m saying, I’m saying that I asked him out without realizing what day of the month it was. Sometimes people are inspired by Valentine’s day, and they make declarations of love, or ask someone out because they feel the pressure of the holiday. This is NOT what happened with me, I just wanted to ask him out, and I have terrible timing.

He was a nice guy, he’s still a nice guy. I won’t mention him by name, but some of you who went to college with me will know who I’m talking about. He once told me that someone said to him that he looked like Ryan Gosling, and then that a girl who heard this burst out, “Ummm, I don’t think so, Ryan Gosling is ATTRACTIVE.” Man, what a bitchy thing to say, which is probably why I remember it. Anyways, for the purposes of this story, we will call him “Ryan Gosling Look-alike”.

Ryan Gosling Look-alike said no when I asked him out, which was fine, except that then the next day was VALENTINE’S DAY. The thing is, the worst thing about this wasn’t that the holiday was constantly reminding me of my romantic failings, it was that the whole day I kept thinking, “Oh My God, now he’s gonna think that this was some sort of, Valentine’s Day inspired declaration of love!” Which it was NOT. I would have been brave and asked Ryan Gosling Look-alike out on a date even if it hadn’t been the most romantic time of the year. So all day on the 14th I kept wanting to run up to him and shout, “Wait, me asking you out had nothing to do with Valentine’s Day! Do over, DO OVER!!!” But looking back that might have hurt the situation rather than help.

That’s all for today, I have a date to get ready for. I will NOT be wearing my pink converse, but I just found out that we’re going bowling so I have to bring socks, and these are my only clean pair.

socks

I know what you’re thinking. I’m sealing the deal with these babies.

Tara