Where OKcupid urges me to get laid just in case the world ends

Short blog today, just a few final thoughts at the end of this year.

1.New Years Eve has never been my favorite holiday. I like New Year’s Day, it’s exciting to be in a new year, but New Year’s Eve is all about things ending, and it makes me sad. New Years Eve is also one of those holidays for couples. You’re supposed to kiss someone at the New year, and I always end up standing awkwardly around other Couple’s making out.


I guess I could kiss the other single person, but that just adds a whole new level of awkwardness to the party that no one is ready for.

It’s thoughts like these that make me consider trying online dating again.  OKcupid has certainly not forgotten about me, they have spent all of December vigorously trying to get me hooked up. They had a Christmas themed, “12 days of Matches” series of emails that they kept sending me. I was vaguely considering getting back on the site, I mean, I am still single, and I have to believe that at least some of the people on the website are decent.


Excluding the guy who sent me a message that only said “What’s your favorite position?”

But then on the 20th of December they sent me an email that was literally titled, “We’re all screwed, you should be too!”


Because when the Earth is facing catastrophic destruction, absolutely nothing takes precedence over getting laid one last time.

I’m going to try to spare you more “It was the end of the world, but then it wasn’t!” jokes, because I’m sure we’ve all had enough of them. “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” by REM was probably played enough on December 20th to earn the band enough royalties for a lifetime.


Not to mention how many thousands of drunk women fell for the, “Lets do it baby! We might not be here tomorrow!”  line. If there are an influx of births in September we’ll know why.

2. The holiday season can be stressful, there is just so much to do. The week before Christmas I worked an 8 hour shift in the morning every day, followed by baking/ shopping, followed by a party, or meeting with an old friend who was in town, etc, etc. I’ve never felt so popular, or more overwhelmed.

guysin santa hats

For this joke I typed “Sad Woman In Santa Hat” into the image search bar, and this is what it gave me. Geez, get it together google.

Evidently I am not the only one who feels the holiday stress because this year my mom got a Christmas letter from one of her distant relatives that at its most cheerful can be described as depression inducing.

It starts out normal. And by that I mean that all Christmas letters start out with some variation of the phrase, “It’s been an interesting year for the Smiths!” Or, “What a busy year it has been!” Even if the only news in the family is, “We continued living the same, boring, middle class family life as last year! Damn, we’re interesting!”So I wasn’t entirely surprised to see the phrase, “We have had quite a year” at the beginning of this letter. I was more surprised by what immediately followed.

“First thing that happened this year is that my older brother suddenly passed away, then my wife was sick for two months, and finally I was diagnosed with cancer.”

That is not a good beginning. The holly jolly tone continued with this,

“There is one thing that is a sure thing, and that is we are all going to die. That is 100% certain.”

grim reaper

Don’t worry, I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. I’ll be back. Soon.

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like reminding us all of our inevitable mortality. I don’t feel like too much of a horrible person for sharing this with you though because the letter does eventually explain that the cancer treatments are over, and the wife is no longer sick.  I’m not going to say that this is a good Christmas letter, but to give them credit, it IS the only one I can remember. So now my new goal for life is to make the most memorable Christmas Letter EVER.


Merry Christmas All! What a year it has been, and other than my contraction of Chlamydia, I can report that it has been quite pleasant!

Until Next Year!



Tara Tuesdays! Where Christmas parties are just an excuse to gorge myself

Why does this happen every year now? Every year I get older, Christmas season goes by faster and faster. As of this Tara Tuesday, it is now only one week before Christmas! Remember when you were a kid, and it took FOREVER for Christmas to get here, and you would stare longingly at the presents under the tree? You would count them, and pick them up and shake them, to try and guess what they were? These days, I don’t even know if there are presents for me under the tree at all! I mean I assume there are, only my mom and I wrap presents around this house, and some of the presents under the tree are unfamiliar. So I gotta assume some of them are mine and not my brother’s.

taras blog6

Although it’s possible that they’re all for him. As I’ve told you in the past, he is the perfect one.


I’ve gotten all of the presents for my immediate family, but haven’t progressed any farther than that. That fact is in itself pretty impressive since my family is hard to shop for. My brother only wants video games, my dad doesn’t tell anybody what he wants until like a week before Christmas, and my mom only wants boring, practical, mom-presents.

me and mom

Mom, I want to give you a gift. You have nurtured me, physically and emotionally my whole life. It is because of your guidance that I am the woman I am today.  Here’s that toaster you wanted.

There have also been like a thousand Christmas parties. It’s not a big deal or anything, but I’m pretty amazingly popular.The first one I went to was the Christmas party for my church group.

gingerbread house

There was a gingerbread house making contest. We wore ugly Christmas Sweaters, there was hot chocolate. Basically it was like we were shooting a perfect TV Christmas Special.

The main highlight of that party was the gingerbread house making contest. I was partnered up with my Bible study group leader, David. We learned quickly that he was there win no matter what it took. Our  brilliant teamwork was astonishing:  David:”Alright Tara, we’re going for the “tallest” prize here, and I think we can get it really tall if we make a series of ascending triangles.”  Me: “Oh my gosh, this is icing is “Peppermint” flavored! I didn’t know they sold that!!!”

working diligently

David spent the competition pondering what graham cracker formation would provide the most structural integrity. I spent the completion eating the peppermint frosting.

We won the competition because David was dedicated, and because we went for the award of “tallest gingerbread house”

tallest gingerbread

I’m good at things that involve “tallest”.

Then last week I went to the Christmas get together of one of my old college buddies. We mostly just drank alcoholic eggnog and watched Christmas movies at this one, but that was entertaining enough in itself for reasons that I will now explain:

I have a good friend from college named Merced, who I suspect did not have a traditional childhood. Merced was born in the United States, but he spent most of his childhood living in Mexico on a ranch with his grandfather. I don’t know exactly what he did on that ranch, but it didn’t include watching American children’s programming, because he has almost no knowledge of that segment of pop culture. I can’t ever have a nostalgic, “Oh man, remember that awesome cartoon from when we were kids?” conversation with him because he will say, “No, I was on a ranch in Mexico.”

Which is why I ended up having to explain the classic Christmas movie, “Home Alone” to him when we started watching it at the party.

Merced: “What is'”Home Alone”?

Me: “It’s a movie where this little boy gets left home alone on Christmas, and two robbers try to break into the kid’s house, and he tries to stop them.”

Merced:”So wait, are they pedophiles?”

Me:”No no! They’re just trying to rob him.”

Merced:”Why is that a Christmas movie!?”

Home alone

Much more Sinister when taken out of context.

Now for those of you who don’t remember, later in the film there is a scene where Harry and Marv almost hit Kevin with their van, and then they follow him down the street.

home alone van

Because of course a kid won’t notice a big creepy van inching behind him.

This prompted Merced to ask,

“Wait, two men are now following a small boy in a big gray van, I though you said they aren’t pedophiles.”


Other person at the party: “You should see how bad they are in the sequel.”

Merced:”Wait, this happens AGAIN!? Why hasn’t this kid been taken away from his parents?!”

So that was fun. I’ll never look at Home Alone with the same innocence again. Or be able to tolerate Home Alone 2 ever again.

home alone 2

Literally EXACTLY the same story, but now with Tim Curry.

The next party I went to was last weekend when my family and I had to drive to Austin for my Uncle’s big, combo Christmas/50th birthday Party. The festivities started with my mom telling my dad as we climbed into the car, “Now Paul, I absolutely FORBID you from killing us all in a horrible car wreck on the way to Austin, because I’ll be extremely embarrassed if our family has to come into our house after we die and see how dirty it is right now.” And then I said,“And I FORBID you because I just finished paying off this car last week!”


That’s the holiday spirit!  

Austin is such a hip city. I knew we were in Austin when we drove past a car on the interstate that said, “Ve gan Do it!” Then later during our visit we walked past an outdoor restaurant where everyone was drinking orange juice out of mason jars.


Every moment in Austin is like a perpetual pinterest photo.

 I used this particular Christmas party as an excuse to dress nice. I wore a skirt and nice jewelry, and when I emerged from the bathroom my dad told me, “Oohhh, you look like a hostess at a fancy Stake House.”

fancy hostess

Ummmm thank you?

dan's christmas party

This is what I actually looked like. You might notice the two drinks I’m holding. Don’t get excited, only one is mine, and it’s milk. I am the most boring 24 year old ever.

The thing about Christmas Parties is that usually there is lots of drinking (again, in Austin I missed out on this) and lots of food. Oh there was so much food.


I spent a lot of time in this room.

And more food.


And MORE food.


I decided that it would be against party etiquette to take the whole pot of tamales into a closet somewhere and eat them all myself.

So I’ve spent a lot of December so far getting fatter. I think maybe one of my blog projects in the New Year will be trying out all the different classes at the gym. I’ve slacked off when it comes to going to the gym, and I do believe in staying fit, active, and healthy. Not now though…now is the time for more consumption.

christmas goodies

Mmmm this is worth the diabetes I’ll have in 30 years.

Merry Christmas!


Tara Tuesdays: Where my mom shouts “Catch!” and then throws a Christmas Tree down the stairs.

Happy Tuesday! I don’t have much to tell you this afternoon. I’m gearing up for another “review” post where I’ll tell you about watching “Magic Mike”, so for today I’ll just share a couple of things. This is a busy time of year for me,October-December is probably my favorite time of year. There’s Halloween, my birthday, and then Christmas. This is prime gift-receiving time of year for Tara is what I’m saying, so here we go:

1.I did Halloween right this year. There is no punch line coming up where Tara looked ridiculous and had a terrible costume! This year I did good.

wonder woman

Except for the lasso. Dammit, I forgot the lasso.

Lately I’ve found myself associating with Wonder Woman a lot. It probably started because my friend Julian told me that the guys who work at the comic book shop once called me the “gorgeous amazon”.

new years

Truly, her beauty has no match.

 I wish it had occurred to me in years past. She’s a perfect thing for me to dress up as. She’s tall, she has dark hair, I like comic books, it was perfect!

halloween tall 2

Well I’m nailing the “amazon” part of this costume at least. Like in this picture where my wing span is almost enough wrap around three other women.

This costume was very popular and I got many compliments. None bigger perhaps than when I arrived at one Halloween party at the same time that the cops were getting there, and they literally cat called at me.

cops at part

It was classy.

2. Black Friday is a useless holiday. For black Friday I went to target at 10pm on Thanksgiving night to get expensive, fancy bed sheets. I did not participate in any exciting stampedes and fistfights to get a 200 dollar TV, all I wanted were stupid bed sheets.

black friday

Those 50% of board games are gonna be so worth it when I see that look of “mild interest” on my little boys face Christmas morning.

But when I got to the bedding section they were sold out, except for the ones that fit “Full” beds? Who even has a full bed anymore, why is that even still a thing? I think the only places still using full beds are sleazy hotel rooms, and I’m pretty sure they aren’t using 600 thread count sheets.

hotel room

Egyptian Cotton

3. Decorating for Christmas in my house is fun for the 25 minutes that it takes to put ornaments on the tree, and not at all fun for the rest of the time.

christmas decorating

The enthusiasm is palpable

Speaking of the tree, we have never had a real one. This year my dad drug down the big tree box from the attic and all I heard was my mom at the top of the stairs shouting, “Tara, Catch!” Luckily, I did catch. Our fake Christmas tree is safe for another year.

After we get the tree down that’s about the time that decorating stops being fun. Every single year we try to put lights on the tree and then discover that all of the old Christmas light strings don’t work. And every year my mom makes the pronouncement, “ We landed on the moon! How come we can put a man on the moon but we cannot make a string of lights that last from one year to another! If we can’t do one, we couldn’t have possibly done the other!”

space shuttle

My mom believes that the moon landing is a hoax. And yes, the reason is because Christmas lights mysteriously stop working during the year that they sit in the attic.

 I guess I lied, ornaments are not the only fun part. Every year I get to put on my 50-song Christmas playlist. I always play “Last Christmas” and “All I want for Christmas is You” first, and sing them with a passionate deeper meaning that I’m sure annoys the hell out of everyone else in the house.


I also get to set up the Nativity scene that we’ve had for as long as I can remember. Over the last 20 years none of the pieces have been broken or lost. I’ve always liked it, and when I was little I would play with the little figurines and make stories for them. One time I made a story where the angel had a secret love with one of the Shepherds. She saved him from death and then was kicked out of heaven for interfering with his destiny. Geez, I am so talented. I could write a Nativity scene soap opera and the tag line would be, “The Nativity Dairies: Jesus’s birth wasn’t the ONLY story told that night.”

angels kissing

I am so going to hell.

That’s all for today! Did I mention that I watched Magic Mike last night? Yeah, I’ll have to tell you about that one of these days.


Tara Tuesdays! Where I reveal my list of the worst Christmas songs EVER.

Hello Readers! Guess what? It is now offically five whole days after Thanksgiving, and you know what that means!

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE Christmas. I love getting to see my family, I love all of the delicious goodies, I love the decorations, and I definitely love the music. I have not one, but TWO playlists dedicated just to Christmas Music on my Ipod. I recognize though that for many of you, Christmas music can be the worst part of the Holiday. I know the argument, it gets over played, there haven’t been any new songs since 1958, yeah yeah yeah, blah blah blah. Stop complaining, we listen to “White Christmas” once a year, how much is it really making you suffer?

Now that I think of it though, are there Christmas songs that are genuinely hard to listen to? Are there holiday songs out there that make you want to curl up in a ball and die? Well, you are about to find out because I have made a list for you of my personal worst Christmas songs ever. Enjoy! Or cringe, I should say.

7.Christmas Tree-Lady Gaga and Space Cowboy

There comes a point in every Pop Star’s career where they feel obligated to come out with a Christmas song. For Mariah Carey it was “All I want for Christmas is you”, for Britney Spears it was, “My Only Wish(This Year)” and for Lady Gaga it is “Christmas Tree”. Finally! Just what we were waiting for, a song that uses clumsy innuendos to make you think of Lady Gaga engaging in girl-on-top sexual intercourse.

Yes. The world saw this and asked, “how can we combine this with Christmas? And sex.”

Honestly I’m just…baffled by this song. I had to listen to it three times before I could register any feelings besides loathing. Let’s delve into some of the deep, symbolic lyrics:

“My Christmas tree is delicious.” What does that even mean? What part of her body is supposed to represent the Christmas Tree? I’m afraid to consider any of the possibilities.

“Under the mistletoe. Yes everybody knows, we will take off our clothes. Yes, if you want us to we will.” No!! We definitely don’t want you to.

I discovered this song on the “Now That’s What I Call Christmas! 4” Album. They were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one. The whole thing is an onslaught of terrible, terrible music. Among the other songs included is a version of “Happy Xmas(War is Over)” performed by the always reliably awful Maroon Five, “Do They Know It’s Christmas” by Band Aid, and a cover of “Little Drummer Boy” by Sean Kingston that is almost worse than the Justin Beiber version.

“Christmas Tree” really takes the cake though. It is so repulsive that I feel dirty after listening to it. Not even because Lady Gaga isn’t the sexiest popstar around, but just because it is awful. Megan Fox could be singing this and it would still be about as sexy as your grandma doing it.

Everybody knows we take it all off under the mistletoe!

My favorite part is how Lady Gaga and Space Cowboy repeat their names over and over again at the end of this song. They want you to know definitively that no, you haven’t gone insane, all that pot you’ve been smoking hasn’t started to make you hallucinate. No, Lady Gaga really did sing something that is this mind bogglingly worse than her normal music.

And that’s an accomplishment.

6.Christmas must be something more-Taylor Swift

Sigh. Ok, I don’t hate Taylor Swift. I was an angsty teenage girl who listened to country music when she first hit it big, so that’s scientifically impossible. What I do hate is all this phony “War on Christmas” nonsense that always pops up around this time of year. You know, the time of year when YOU CAN NOT ESCAPE CHRISTMAS, AND IT IS EVERY WHERE YOU GO.

Every time you say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” an angel loses its wings.

And I’m not saying this as an Atheist, I am an active Christian who goes to church on a regular basis. I’m just saying that this seems to be a complaint about a problem that doesn’t exist. Like when people complain that society is taking the Christ out of Christmas when they say “XMAS”, and reveal themselves to be total morons.


So already I am not destined to love this song. Let’s look at some of the lyrics though, to see what deep thoughts Miss Swift has to impart about the true meaning of Christmas:

“Would you still wanna kiss without Mistletoe? What would happen if God never let it snow?”

Well if there was no mistletoe Lady Gaga might stop threatening to take off all of her clothes. That’s a win.

“So here’s to the birthday boy who saved our lives. It’s something we all try to ignore, and put a wreath up on your door.”

Pictured above: Society ignoring Jesus

Also, I don’t like how she calls him the birthday boy. When I think, “Birthday Boy” I think of this:

Or this:

Not exactly how I picture Jesus. And hey Taylor, you’re the one who says we’re ignoring him, you could call him by his name in the song. Especially since Jesus wasn’t even actually born at Christmas.


Besides, we already know what happens when all the fun secular stuff gets taken out of Christmas. A green goblin brings back all the stuff he stole as long as you sing about how you don’t need any of it! Yay anti-consumerism!

5.What do you get a wookie for Christmas? (When he already owns a comb)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the Star Wars Christmas Special is the greatest disaster to ever happen within the Star Wars universe.

Ok, second greatest.

I’ve never seen the show, but thankfully this great song lives on. The ridiculously long-named, “What Do You Get A Wookie For Christmas?(When He Already Owns A Comb).” That is an excellent question. How about a gun to shoot himself with so he doesn’t have to listen to this anymore.

“What can you get a Wookie for Christmas when he already owns a comb.What can you get in a hurry for a furry kind of friend to take home?”

Actually that’s a valid question. What can you get a furry? Um…sanity?

Ugh, this song is hard to get through. It is not even so bad that it’s good. It’s just boring. It’s like they took a Christmas present discussion between two parents wondering what to get their kid, and just put in the word “Wookie” to make it Star Wars related. Next.

4.A Very Very Merry Christmas-Shelly Duval

Ok, lets ignore how Shelly Duvall feels the need to introduce herself at the beginning of this, like we all don’t recognize her high pitched squeal 2 seconds into the song.

Lets ignore the baffling and annoying tempo that is impossible to keep up with.

Lets ignore how the production of this song sounds like some 8th grader put it together on his laptop.

No, this is what I want to talk about: I think that this song is secretly a deleted scene from The Shining. To me, there is a very clear, slow descent into madness for Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining. He starts out at just a Jack Nicholson level of crazy, but gradually digresses into ape-shit insane by the end of the film.

Play an insane character named Jack? That’s going to be a stretch.

I think this song is from a deleted  scene in that movie where Shelly Duvall’s character Wendy realizes that her husband is going insane, and desperately tries to salvage the situation by having a really upbeat Christmas. She puts up red and green streamers in their little apartment, she makes Danny wear a Christmas sweater, then she has father and son sit down together to watch her perform this little song that she came up with. She sings it frantically, with a desperate pace, while Jack Torrence looks on with growing rage, as madness slowly blots out all reason.

To be fair though, any man would go insane with you as a wife, Shelley Duvall.

3.The Christmas Shoes-NewSong

You shouldn’t be surprised to see this song here. It might be one of the most famous “worst Christmas songs ever.” This song is played persistently and frequently every year on Country music stations, even though I have never met anyone who admits to liking it. That doesn’t mean it isn’t moving, on the contrary, you have to be a soul-less monster to not be moved by this song. It’s like those commercials on TV where they play the sad, Sarah Mclachlan music over photos of pitiful looking abused animals. You feel too guilty to look away from the TV. Which is why I hate this damn song, it guilt’s you into suffering through it.  We all know “Christmas Shoes”, but I never hear anyone humming it fondly, I never hear it requested at Christmas parties. Carolers don’t sing it at your door.

We hope you enjoyed that, also we ran over your dog on the way into the neighborhood. Merry Christmas.

I take other issues with this song though beyond just the basic message of, “Your family is dying, happy holidays”. First of all, why is this little boy out shopping alone? Does this poor family not even have any friends who are willing to drive this kid to the nearest foot locker? And what kind of Dad sends his young, ragged, depressed son out alone to shop on Christmas eve?

Pick me up a bottle of Jack too.

They actually made a long depressing movie about this where the mom is played by Brad Paisley’s wife, otherwise known as that girl from Father of the Bride. This is what happened to Annie Banks after she got married, she got sick and died at Christmas.

In the movie adaption of Christmas Shoes the sales clerk is also the biggest asshole in the universe. When the kid doesn’t have enough money to buy the shoes the guy says, “It’s not enough, did I stutter?”

You’re mom’s dying? Well I’ve been working at a terrible paper company for 15 years. What else ya got?

Admittedly in the movie the sales clerk doesn’t know the kid’s mom is dying, but still, who would ever be that mean to a kid who can’t afford to buy a Christmas present? Was the sales clerk Hitler?! The general neglect and cruelness the child endures leads me to believe that “Christmas Shoes” must take place in an alternate world where the only two decent human beings are the narrator and this little boy. Oh well, at least he got those shoes. But who knows how long he was out alone wandering the streets on this Christmas eve, judging by the tone of this song his mom will be dead by the time he gets home.

She’s gone son…those shoes will look nice in the coffin though.

Thanks Country music, for reminding us that even the happiest holidays are full of unendurable sorrow. I mean, what could you possibly do to top this song?

2.Daddy’s drinking up our Christmas

This. This right here is why country music is mocked relentlessly. I try so hard to defend country music. I remind people that it’s the genre that brought us Patsy Cline’s soulful croon, and Johnny Cash’s bad-assness.

Tell this man that Country Music is stupid. Go right ahead.

 And then things like “Daddy’s drinking up our Christmas” come along and ruin everything. If there is one thing you can say about “Christmas shoes”, it is that at least it pulls at your heart strings. It might be terrible, but it does make me feel something. This song doesn’t make me feel anything except my gag reflex flaring up. At first I can actually kind of get behind it. “No tree, or Christmas, or presents, just bottles of Christmas cheer.”

Sounds about how my Christmas unfolds.

 Then of course it goes on to explain that there will be no presents for mom or the kids. Or Rent Money. Or phone service. Or Daddy, apparently. He gets arrested at the end of the song and the family has to scramble to bail him out on Christmas morning. This song is so ridiculously sad and over the top that I can’t even sympathize with it. I almost picked “Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas” for this slot because they are basically the same song, but I take issue with “Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas” because it has a kind of happy, upbeat tune. Like this is all just normal, Christmas stuff. WTF?!  Is this just expected behavior? Why are the dads in Country Christmas songs so damn awful!?

1.Oh Come All Ye Faithful-Bob Dylan

God, I don’t even know where to begin. If you have no idea what Bob Dylan sounds like (that is, if you live in a basement and don’t interact with pop culture), it’s a little bit like someone gave a microphone to a male version of Joan Rivers. To be honest, I could really have chosen any of the songs off of “Christmas In The Heart”, hell, I could have made the whole list out of songs from this album. “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” sticks out though because of the latin at the beginning. Latin Christmas songs are best when sung by choirs, opera soloists, or Bing Crosby.

Bing Crosby is so Christmas-y he could sing “California Girls” by Katy Perry and we would still think of Santa Claus.

Bob Dylan stumbles through the words like a 9th grader trying to read through a text book passage in his Latin class. The beginning of this song sounds like the karaoke that happens at 2am after a drunken Christmas party. No, you know what Bob Dylan singing Christmas music sounds like? It sounds like someone gave a microphone to your great uncle Alfred who  just had throat surgery because he smoked for 40 years.

Happy Holidays!

 You spend the first half of the song just hoping desperately that there will be a musical interlude of flutes or harps or something, just so you can escape from Bob Dylan’s growling. Finally, a choir of women begin to sing, but even they are awful. They sound deeply depressed during the whole chorus, but then again I would be too if I had to be a part of this joy-less, 15 song monstrosity of an album. Also though, they aren’t even in tune. It sounds like Bob Dylan went and recruited a middle school treble choir group for this song. And that must be the case, because I can only imagine that any sane, adult musical artists laughed in his face when they heard the words, “Christmas album” and “Bob Dylan” in the same sentence.

And that’s it for today folks! I’ll never listen to Christmas music the same way again…

UPDATE: 15 minutes after finishing this post I found out that Ru Paul came out with a Christmas song entitled, “Ho Ho Ho”, and that Snoop Dogg has an album creatively titled, “Christmas on Death Row” So obviously there will have to be a part two. It will have to wait though, because honestly if I listened to any more of this terriblness tonight I would have to kill myself.