Tara Tuesday! Where I fast forward to happier times

So I’ve been dating this guy…

Yeah, you’ve heard about it. People keep asking me things like, “Is it official?” and I’m like, “Is it official? Um, I dunno, we haven’t gotten matching engraved ‘his and her’ bath towels yet, but as soon as we do I’ll let you know.” I’m not good at dating. Maybe there are women out there who know how to have these conversations about whether or not you’re officially a couple yet, and if you’re exclusive to one another, etc, but I don’t know how to have them. So in the meantime, I make this man I’m dating take me to go get giant cinnamon rolls.

giant cinnamon roll

My text was literally, “Let’s go to this restaurant because we can get a giant cinnamon roll.”

There is this restaurant called “Lulu’s café in downtown San Antonio. It is famous, and was featured on “Man vs. Food” because it has giant cinnamon rolls. Not amazing, out of this world, expertly crafted cinnamon rolls, just big ones. We got one for the two of us, and we were only able to eat a third of it. I’m not going to say it was a bad cinnamon roll, it just wasn’t amazing.  I would rather have a regular sized cinnamon roll that tasted amazing than a giant one that tasted like the cinnamon roll that you can get in a cafeteria line.

After we had most of our enormous cinnamon roll wrapped up, my man took it home with him. We came in separate cars, and at a stoplight he pulled up next to me and started brandishing the cinnamon roll at me with gusto. I don’t know what that meant, and he has yet to explain it to me.

Last week I came over to his house to play a gambling game with him, his uncle, and his grandma. This sounds like a weird grouping but it wasn’t, I work with his grandma, she’s the one who introduced us. The game involved spinning a Mexican dreidel, and then either giving or receiving the number of quarters that the dreidel landed on. So sometimes you would have to put quarters in, sometimes you would take some from the pile, sometimes you would win the whole pile, etc, etc. That’s all well and good, except that I couldn’t spin the dreidel!

Dreidel

No seriously, it’s a good thing I’m not Jewish, life would have been much harder.

Instead of spinning quietly and gracefully like the spinning top in the movie Inception, every time I tried to spin the dreidel it would like, go crashing along the table, knocking into other people’s quarters. And it KEPT happening to me, I couldn’t ever get it right. I cannot spin a top. My man’s grandma found it so funny that she got out her phone and recorded it to show our coworkers the next day.

This is what happens when I go on dates. Family members get out recording devices to document my hilarious ineptitude.

Another thing that I’m finding out from dating this guy is that apparently I am a weird person.

Ana and I

7th grade makeup

me in snuggie

Nothing amiss here.

 He says I’m weird because I don’t just watch the show “The Walking Dead”, I wait until the episode airs, go read spoilers on the internet, and THEN I watch the show. He was very confused by this, even after I explained to him that it is because I want to know who dies in advance. Not because I want it to be ruined for me, I just want to be emotionally prepared for when characters I love die. If the character I love dies then it’s awful, but if I already know it’s coming, it softens the blow. Like, “Oh man, I think we’re getting to the part where Timothy gets shot in the chest and falls off a cliff-ohp, yeah, there it is.” If I don’t spoil it for myself it plays out like, “WHAT!!!! TIMOTHY JUST GOT SHOT IN THE CHEST!!!! HOW COULD THEY DO THIS!!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!”

I do this with new movies that I have heard are really sad too.  And during my favorite movies, I have to fast forward through scenes that are embarrassing, humiliating, or emotionally wrenching for my favorite characters. Like somehow I can spare them from the awfulness that’s about to happen.

simba

It’s ok Simba, I’m fastforwarding, you’ll be meeting two new best friends in no time!

Apparently this makes me weird. Psh. If fast forwarding through the lion king so that I can watch “Hakuna Matata” sooner makes me wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

-Tara

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Tara Tuesday! Where I get lost on the south side

It happened again. I promised myself to write more often, and be more consistent, and then I went two weeks without posting. I’ve been busy. There was work as usual, plus church functions as usual, plus social life as usual, but now I also have dates that are taking up part of my time. That’s right, date(s) plural. I’m really popular. As a result i’ve been horribly neglecting the blog, but that is over right now! Let me tell you about a few of the things that have happened since we last talked.

1.A few posts ago I told you about how I had a date planned with a certain gentleman right before Valentine’s day. Well I had a good time. We went bowling, and I wore pink socks with bowling shoes and a black skirt.

bowling shoes

Well I wasn’t NOT going to wear my cute black skirt on a first date. Notice also how the socks make my legs look all short and stubby. I know how to attract the fellas.

Like literally every other sport of physical activity, I’m not good at bowling. Lots of people are terrible at bowling, but my technique has less to do with rolling, and more to do hurling the ball as far down the lane as possible. When I throw my bowling ball it goes halfway down the lane before landing with a scary thud. Like a shot put but underhand.

shotput-barnes

This might work better for me. I swear, I knock down more pins when the ball has less “rolling” time and more “High in the air” time.

I hit more pins this way, but every time I turned around my date was staring at me with open mouthed disbelief. At first I thought he was just being melodramatic, but then we went on a double date with his friends and when I turned around after throwing the ball the first time they were all giving me the same look.

surprised

This isn’t the sort of facial expression that you should inspire in others while dating.

2. I went to the Rodeo! A group of girls from my church got together and we went to enjoy the festivities. I ate a corn dog, AND a deep fried snickers bar. Every year I go to the rodeo I tell myself that I am not going to get a deep fried oddity, and every year I am intrigued by some new, terrible food monstrosity. One year it was deep fried oreos, the next year it was deep fried twinkies, and this year it was deep fried candy bar. And I suffered for it. I got heartburn in the middle of the night and I had terrible nightmares. Heart burn is supposed to happen to old fat men, not young, beautiful 20somethings. I should be exempt from negative food consequences.

cream puffs

I also got heartburn after these cream puffs. Life is hard.

I also ran into one of my coworkers at the rodeo. While I was standing in line for corndogs my coworker Arturo came up and started talking to me. My church friends were off to the side waiting for me, and apparently were watching me,  having a discussion about whether or not I needed to be rescued from this middle aged guy who was apparently hitting on me. They didn’t rescue me, but the situation made me realize that maybe we should develop signals in case a rescue is ever required.

creepy_man(1)

Ok, I take it back. If this guy is ever talking to me, making this expression then you shouldn’t need a signal.

3. I got lost on the south side at 1am. This one is actually also about dating. As I said, the man I am dating took me on a double date last week, and at the end of the date we ended up splitting up from his friends, so I had to give him a ride home. This caused problems to begin with because we had to argue about my driving skills. I am a GOOD driver, and I DO NOT take turns to fast. Geez, everybody’s always judging me. I’ve never been in a car accident. Which is not a “miracle”, DAD.

 me and dad

Yeah Dad, make jokes about my driving, just remember that I’ll be choosing your nursing home.

Anyways the guy i’m dating lives on the south side, which I am not very familiar with. After I dropped him off I got lost, and I had to call my mom at 1am to help me get home.  Which was embarrassing since my date told me when we parted ways, “Text me to let me know you got home safe, which I kind of doubt, now that I’ve seen your driving.” And I was all like, “Haha, very funny, I’ll get home just fine.” the joke was on me. 

4. I’ve been looking for advice about writing. Online, and in books. I’ve found a lot of good stuff and insightful information, but I also found this at half-priced books:

how to romance

This is probably why Fifty Shades of Grey exists. I hope you’re happy America.

I take a lot of weird photo’s on my phone for my blog. I realized this today. A lot of times it’s just stuff that I find ridiculous or silly. But I hope my phone never gets stolen, or gets confiscated by the police for evidence or something, because these strange photos have no context.

getting wild

This photo comes after another photo of a weird bra that I found at Victoria Secret. Don’t assume things world, I don’t need instructions on “getting wild and kinky”. 

That’s it for today readers! I promise to be good, and post more often from now on. Like later this week, where I’ll tell you about the awkward things that happened to me during middle school. Have you ever hit another person in the face by accident with your elbow? Well I have, and you’ll get to hear about it!

-Tara

Tara Tuesdays! Where I’m going on a date with pink socks

Alright, don’t everybody get excited, but I might go on a date tonight. I’ve been pondering about whether or not I should write about this date for the blog, and I’ve come to the conclusion that since it is almost Valentine’s Day, this topic is relevant. So I think I’ll tell you about some of my preparation, but possibly not the date itself, since I don’t need to put EVERYTHING about myself on the internet.

sweet baby james

The three people who read this don’t need to know ALL my secrets.

EDIT: My mom says i’m using this picture too much, and that people will think this is MY baby. It is not. That is not one of my secrets.

 I had this plan to go on a speed dating excursion for Valentine’s Day and then write about it for the blog, but this didn’t work out for two reasons. First was that I couldn’t find any events, (which is weird, you would think that SOMEONE in the 8th largest city in the Country would organize a fun, Valentine’s Day Speed dating event), and second I was scheduled to close my department on Valentine’s Day. I’m the only single person in the deli, so I guess my boss thought it was the logical thing to do.

frown

Thanks boss. As I mop the floor I’ll make sure to play “One is the loneliest number” on the stereo on repeat, as I weep softly.

So anyways, I’m going on this date. I don’t even know where yet, by the way. There’s been a lot less “planning”, and a lot more, “random, last minute texts” when it comes to the preparation for this date. This is my life folks, the very shining example of epic romance.

All joking aside, he seems nice enough, and my philosophy about dates has always been: Hey, it’s just a date. If we don’t like each other it’s not the end of the world, worst case scenario is a few uncomfortable hours, and if we DO like each other then that’s awesome! And you shouldn’t be afraid to spend a couple hours at dinner finding out.

I’m nervous about this date for two reasons. Number one: it’s a date, and people get nervous for dates, and number two: It’s happening two days before Valentine’s Day, and I do not typically have good luck when it comes to Valentine’s Day.

Concerning number one, I’ve already gotten lots of advice for how to behave and dress if I go on a date. My coworker Josh told me I should curl my hair. I think I’ll pass, we all remember the last time I tried to fix my hair

blowdry1

Hot

 My coworker Raul told me, “Make sure to dress nice Tara. Have cleavage, but not too much, and show some leg. And DON’T wear your pink shoes.” Psh, obviously Raul, I would never wear my pink converse on a date, except for that one time where I wore my pink converse on a date

Then later I assembled two outfits and sent pictures of both of them to my best friend so that she could tell me which one was the best. Shockingly, she shot down the outfit that involved me wearing yellow turtle-shaped earrings. I’m not saying that I always make bad fashion decisions, I’m just saying that I’ve been known to make F aux-pas on an occasional basis.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

There is an explanation for why this outfit happened, but it’s funnier if you think that I just dress like this.

So yeah, there’s that aspect of the date. Then there’s the awkward Valentine’s Day thing. Valentine’s Day is two days away. I do not have good luck on Valentine’s Day. I already told you about how my first crush dissed me on Valentine’s Day, but there have been other times. Like one time in high school, where I had a big crush on this guy. On Valentine’s day we were talking and he asked me if he could borrow my note pad. He then proceeded to write a Valentine’s Day love confession to someone else while I watched. Probably while I listened to “I’m not that girl” from the musical Wicked on my Ipod dramatically.

glinda fist

Remember, this was the same time that I was playing Glinda from the Wizard Of OZ, so it would have been somewhat appropriate.

Then a couple of years ago in college I ACCIDENTALLY asked out a guy the day before Valentine’s Day. I know, I know, you don’t just accidentally ask someone out. That’s not what I’m saying, I’m saying that I asked him out without realizing what day of the month it was. Sometimes people are inspired by Valentine’s day, and they make declarations of love, or ask someone out because they feel the pressure of the holiday. This is NOT what happened with me, I just wanted to ask him out, and I have terrible timing.

He was a nice guy, he’s still a nice guy. I won’t mention him by name, but some of you who went to college with me will know who I’m talking about. He once told me that someone said to him that he looked like Ryan Gosling, and then that a girl who heard this burst out, “Ummm, I don’t think so, Ryan Gosling is ATTRACTIVE.” Man, what a bitchy thing to say, which is probably why I remember it. Anyways, for the purposes of this story, we will call him “Ryan Gosling Look-alike”.

Ryan Gosling Look-alike said no when I asked him out, which was fine, except that then the next day was VALENTINE’S DAY. The thing is, the worst thing about this wasn’t that the holiday was constantly reminding me of my romantic failings, it was that the whole day I kept thinking, “Oh My God, now he’s gonna think that this was some sort of, Valentine’s Day inspired declaration of love!” Which it was NOT. I would have been brave and asked Ryan Gosling Look-alike out on a date even if it hadn’t been the most romantic time of the year. So all day on the 14th I kept wanting to run up to him and shout, “Wait, me asking you out had nothing to do with Valentine’s Day! Do over, DO OVER!!!” But looking back that might have hurt the situation rather than help.

That’s all for today, I have a date to get ready for. I will NOT be wearing my pink converse, but I just found out that we’re going bowling so I have to bring socks, and these are my only clean pair.

socks

I know what you’re thinking. I’m sealing the deal with these babies.

Tara

Where I am still recovering from the Costco employee party

Hello everyone!

As we’ve discussed, it is now a new year, and the first major thing I did this year was attend the Costco Holiday Party. We have to have it in January because we’re too busy at work to do it in December. The party is pretty fancy. Almost everybody dresses up, there’s a dinner, and then they give out prizes. Good prizes, like a Kitchen-aid mixer, stereos, Keurig coffee machines, and flat screen TV’s.

me in red

There’s no joke here, working for Costco truly has its perks…one of which is gettin’ to see me looking FOXY.

I’m always a little apprehensive about workplace parties.  I don’t want to get too out of control at these parties, but I still want to have a good time. You have to be careful, how you behave at these parties can affect how your coworkers treat you at work.

round-table-business-meeting

None of us can pay attention to him now that we know he has nipple rings under his shirt.

The party was at the Hyatt Hill Country Resort and spa this year, which is just as fancy as it sounds. The drive there was scary though. The Resort is off the highway, down a long dark road. I guess this is supposed to give the resort a luxurious, “secluded” feel, so that you forget that it’s actually just two miles away from a Whataburger and a Valero gas station.

whataburger

Elegance.

And now I have a confession to make. I forgot about the “not getting too out of control at the workplace party” rule that I mentioned earlier…

drunk woman

No no no! It wasn’t that bad…but almost.

I’m embarrassed.  And the thing is, I don’t even drink very often! For two reasons, One: I have to drive myself home in almost every situation. I do not drink and drive, and I’m single, so there’s no boyfriend that I can shove the DD job onto. Two: I hang out with my Church buddies a lot, and I’m pretty sure that almost all of them have made the decision to abstain from alcohol entirely.  And since I’m a good friend, and I would never ever pressure them into drinking with me, I end up abstaining too.

bible study

 Bible drinking games! One shot for every time someone talks about Jesus!

Last week I got my dad to drive me to the Costco party, where there was an abundance of alcohol (very EXPENSIVE alcohol. Seriously, I’ll be sorry when I’m paying the credit card bill), and an abundance of people willing to drink it with me. So I probably over did it a little bit. By the end of the evening I was high fiving everyone and telling my supervisor Nuffie how much I liked him…as a supervisor. That’s the only positive thing about all this. When I get drunk, I just get nicer and more complimentary, but not in a “come on to you” way.

costco drinking

WHOOOOOOOOOO COSTCO!!!!! By the way, I just want you to know that the example you set as a superior executive is exemplary.

Then in the middle of the evening Nuffie told me that our coworker Martee’s grandson was “digging me”. He got this information from Martee herself, and everyone from deli immediately started encouraging me to approach him. Since I had already had four cocktails by the time I received this information, I was up for anything. Once Jason (another deli coworker) found out that there was a guy at the party who was interested in me, he made it his personal prerogative to set me up. Normally I’m pretty shy, but by the time Jason was steering me over to this guy I was on Cocktail number 5, and I was feeling much friendlier. I kid you not; Jason introduced me to Martee’s grandson with these words:

“Hey you’re Martee’s grandson? Nice to meet you. I’m Jason, and this is TARASAURUS-REX!!! RAWWWWWWR!!!”

new years

Since I was drunk at the time, I was probably making an expression just like this. So we know already I was making killer first impressions.

It’s worth pointing out that Jason had enjoyed his fair share of alcohol by this point too. This is why you should never drink too much alcohol, because I’m embarrassed to say that I do not remember the guy’s name, exactly what we talked about, or entirely what he looked like. I mean…I know he was tall… and he was wearing a hat.

ryan gosling

Yes. It was probably definitely this guy.

We talked about football, I remember that much. I remember that I adamantly defended the Cowboys, because even drunk there are some lines I never cross and values that I never forsake.

redskins

Never, not even if someone points a gun to my head.  It felt wrong just saving this to my computer.

After a brief, and hazily remembered conversation with that guy, I had a few more cocktails.  Then I danced an embarrassing jig on the dance floor, and finally I took photos with Martee and her grandson. This is probably the weirdest thing I remember happening. I mean, what are they going to do with those photos if I never see him again? I can picture the two of them in the future, reminiscing over those pictures, “Oh and here we are at that one Costco party…with this random intoxicated girl”. After taking random pictures with strangers, my dad finally picked me up exactly at midnight. It was like Cinderella, but less classy.

me drunk

True confessions time, there have been other parties that I left  missing one shoe, but for more embarrassing reasons than those of a fairy tale princess.

The next time I went to work my coworker Josh greeted me thusly: “Heeeeeyyyyyy. I heard you got pretty drunk at the holiday party! I heard you met the love of your life too!”

Well if he’s the love of my life that’s going to be an embarrassing story to tell my grandchildren. “The first time I met your grandfather, oh I’ll never forget it. Well, actually I kind of forgot it. Immediately after it happened.”

Have a good day readers! I promise to behave myself better in the future.

-Tara

Where OKcupid urges me to get laid just in case the world ends

Short blog today, just a few final thoughts at the end of this year.

1.New Years Eve has never been my favorite holiday. I like New Year’s Day, it’s exciting to be in a new year, but New Year’s Eve is all about things ending, and it makes me sad. New Years Eve is also one of those holidays for couples. You’re supposed to kiss someone at the New year, and I always end up standing awkwardly around other Couple’s making out.

happy-old-man

I guess I could kiss the other single person, but that just adds a whole new level of awkwardness to the party that no one is ready for.

It’s thoughts like these that make me consider trying online dating again.  OKcupid has certainly not forgotten about me, they have spent all of December vigorously trying to get me hooked up. They had a Christmas themed, “12 days of Matches” series of emails that they kept sending me. I was vaguely considering getting back on the site, I mean, I am still single, and I have to believe that at least some of the people on the website are decent.

guywinking

Excluding the guy who sent me a message that only said “What’s your favorite position?”

But then on the 20th of December they sent me an email that was literally titled, “We’re all screwed, you should be too!”

worldending

Because when the Earth is facing catastrophic destruction, absolutely nothing takes precedence over getting laid one last time.

I’m going to try to spare you more “It was the end of the world, but then it wasn’t!” jokes, because I’m sure we’ve all had enough of them. “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” by REM was probably played enough on December 20th to earn the band enough royalties for a lifetime.

stk33108lce

Not to mention how many thousands of drunk women fell for the, “Lets do it baby! We might not be here tomorrow!”  line. If there are an influx of births in September we’ll know why.

2. The holiday season can be stressful, there is just so much to do. The week before Christmas I worked an 8 hour shift in the morning every day, followed by baking/ shopping, followed by a party, or meeting with an old friend who was in town, etc, etc. I’ve never felt so popular, or more overwhelmed.

guysin santa hats

For this joke I typed “Sad Woman In Santa Hat” into the image search bar, and this is what it gave me. Geez, get it together google.

Evidently I am not the only one who feels the holiday stress because this year my mom got a Christmas letter from one of her distant relatives that at its most cheerful can be described as depression inducing.

It starts out normal. And by that I mean that all Christmas letters start out with some variation of the phrase, “It’s been an interesting year for the Smiths!” Or, “What a busy year it has been!” Even if the only news in the family is, “We continued living the same, boring, middle class family life as last year! Damn, we’re interesting!”So I wasn’t entirely surprised to see the phrase, “We have had quite a year” at the beginning of this letter. I was more surprised by what immediately followed.

“First thing that happened this year is that my older brother suddenly passed away, then my wife was sick for two months, and finally I was diagnosed with cancer.”

That is not a good beginning. The holly jolly tone continued with this,

“There is one thing that is a sure thing, and that is we are all going to die. That is 100% certain.”

grim reaper

Don’t worry, I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. I’ll be back. Soon.

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like reminding us all of our inevitable mortality. I don’t feel like too much of a horrible person for sharing this with you though because the letter does eventually explain that the cancer treatments are over, and the wife is no longer sick.  I’m not going to say that this is a good Christmas letter, but to give them credit, it IS the only one I can remember. So now my new goal for life is to make the most memorable Christmas Letter EVER.

????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Merry Christmas All! What a year it has been, and other than my contraction of Chlamydia, I can report that it has been quite pleasant!

Until Next Year!

-Tara

Where I wear sweat pants when I ask people out, and then wear converse on dates

Tara…Wednesday!!!

I know. We are only a few weeks into Tara Tuesday and I am cheating already. I dropped the ball. But life is so busy, you have no idea! I’m doing Halloween stuff, and church stuff, and it’s all fun stuff that I plan to tell you about, but just not right now. And as it turns out, reviewing a book means that you need to actually read the whole book. I am almost done with Fifty Shades of Grey, and I promise that the review is coming, but meanwhile, let me tell you about how I’m suddenly popular with the men of the world, and how dating has worked out for me in the past.

Let’s see, how can I phrase this delicately…

Lately, a bunch of the guys I know have been all like, “Hey gurl, let me holla at yah.” A lot of men in this world are suddenly interested in me, and that’s never happened before. I think it’s because the men of the world have been seeing a lot more of me like this:

I got my mom to stand on the stairs to take this photo. If she stands on the floor it looks like she’s looking up and taking a photo of a giant.

Wonder Woman is an Amazon who is six feet tall. The choice seemed appropriate, notice how much taller I am than the fridge.

And less of me looking like this:

A photo in my mom’s computer from high school. I kid you not, the file name for this picture is, “Tara Grossest”. I’m not mad. She’s right.

 I don’t even know how to handle this new attention. What’s that you say? “It’s pretty easy Tara. You can’t really get it wrong.” Oh, trust me, I’ve gotten it wrong many times.

I won’t tell you all of my dating stories, let’s just go over the highlights. First of all, I have asked out a man three different times. Oh, and I mean a different man each time, not like there’s this one guy who I keep awkwardly propositioning. Now because I was brave enough to do so, I feel comfortable saying this to men:  it does not count to ask out a girl over the phone, or via email. Get it over with, do it in person, just like I did. After that initial point though, do not follow my example.

Remember in my prom posts when I told you how sometimes when I’m attracted to someone, the idea just builds and builds and builds, until I finally just have to deal with it, and blurt out feelings and confessions no matter what the circumstance? It’s like a sickness. All forethought and planning fly out the window. I always PLAN to ask out guys when I’m at my best, looking something like this:

Oh I’m not wearing makeup, this is how my face always looks

But because of my condition listed above, the exact opposite always seems to happen.  That is why once I ended up telling a man that I was interested in him immediately after sweaty cardio exercise, while I was wearing sweat pants. Another time in college, I ambushed my crush in the library and asked him out with no preamble whatsoever, un-showered and in sweat pants. The only good thing about these stories is that they’re making you think that I exercise a lot.

Awwwww yeah, you know you want this.

But you know what? This is all making it seem like I have always been woefully unsuccessful, or that men have never asked ME out, and that is not the case! Like I said, I’m a hot momma, it’s just very well disguised sometimes.

Hot.Momma.

Once, while I was working at target I got asked out by an ex-employee. Now, what I’m about to say is going to sound really mean, but it’s basically true: Target had two types of employees. Normal people, and creepy/socially inept people who only worked before the store opened, and then disappeared to the backroom during business hours. This was not a policy that was official, or that I invented or indorsed, but it was pretty noticeable.

“Hold on, don’t unlock the doors yet, Clubed-foot Jimmy hasn’t gone back into the stock room yet!”

The boy that asked me out was one of those socially-inept people. He was also a little creepy. I don’t remember his name now, but let’s call him Michael. Michael quit target, and then for some reason, he continued to come in the store every day, and just hang out, having awkward conversation with the employees. One day I was working in the deli, in the middle of cutting meat for a customer. The customer was actively talking to me, and I was cutting up roast beef. This is not a situation that I consider ideal for propositioning a woman. Michael must have thought differently, because he rushed up to the counter one day, interrupted my customer, and this happened,

Michael: “HEYTARADOYOUWANTTOGOOUTSOMETIME?”

Me:

Customer:

Me: “No thank you.”

Michael: “Are you sure? Just friends?”

Me: “No thank you!”

Michael: “Ok then. Just friends.”  Then he walked away, and I stifled the urge to crawl under the counter and die.

Customer: “You handled that very well. “

Shortly after that, Michael got kicked out of target for threatening employees. Soul mate opportunity missed I guess.

I should tell you about some of my dates though. Did I ever follow up on that OKcupid post, and tell you that I finally went on a date with a guy? Would you like to hear that story? I thought you might.

Back in September, one of the guys on the website really started pushing for me to give him my number. I was feeling hesitant because I had started to develop an interest in a guy that I knew in real life, so I was beginning to feel a little lukewarm about the online dating thing anyways. But he was persistent. There were a lot of over-the –top compliments, and I finally decided to just go ahead and go for it. See what the experience would be like.

This guy’s user name on OKcupid was supposed to be, “The Fashionable”, but he had misspelled it, so whenever he sent me a message my email would light up with, “TheFahionable has sent you a message!” So that’s what we’ll be calling him for the rest of the story. I finally gave my number to The Fahionable, and he called me a couple of times. We had decent conversations, The Fahionable really liked to talk about himself and his work, so he really only needed little nudges from me to keep the conversation rolling.

Finally The Fahionable said that we ought to go out. I set very firm parameters. We would meet in a well lit public place, and if we liked each other, we would go from there. I followed my best friend Megan’s advice when it came to this matter, which was, “Go out on a date Tara, that’s what the site is there for, to spur dates and relationships. Don’t die though.”

Looking back now, I don’t know what I was thinking with my outfit. I was trying to go for dignified but girlishly cute. Casual, but still put together. Elegant but simple. So I paired a white pearl necklace and earrings, with these old favorites:

Because screw fashion sense and attractiveness!

I was a little nervous about the date, but I was already absolutely sure about two things, 1.There was absolutely no chance that I was going sleep with this guy tonight, (because you know, not a slut), and 2.There was absolutely no chance that I was going to get in his car and go anywhere with him.

I was so nervous that I went a little crazy, and in my opinion, was a little TOO thoughtful. I was worried that The fahionable would be mad if he was looking for bow-chicka-bow-bow, and I didn’t deliver, so I arrived at the coffee shop early and bought my own tea, so he would not be burdened with paying for me.

You mean we’re not having sex in your car after this? $4.79 down the drain…

Is that totally irrational? Yes. But so was pairing sneakers with the same jewelry that you wear to fancy cocktail parties.

I had chosen a standard table to sit at, with a chair on each side, but The Fahionable said to me, “Hey, you want to go sit on those stools by the window so it’s more intimate?”

Now, the sassy, feminist, “wise to your game” Tara, did NOT want to go be intimate by the window, but the docile, trusting, “eager to please” Tara said, “Ok…I guess that’s cool.”

Our date went a lot like our phone conversations, with him talking a lot, and me occasionally offering witty remarks. Except that now in person he could clap his palm on my arm/shoulder/knee/thigh. His stool was too close to mine. He kept touching me. He referenced his activity and “friends” from other dating sites a lot. The Fahionable worked in film, and about 15 minutes into the date he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place to “look at some of his work.” Megan’s voice screamed in my head, “Don’t get kidnapped and die!” So I graciously declined.

Our date didn’t last that much longer than that because he was clearly looking only for this:

Just so you know, finding tame sex related photos on google is a scary business…

While I was looking for this:

Although to be fair, happily ever after probably was not going to happen with someone who can’t spell the word, “fashionable”.

We ended the date after The Fahionable told me that I should friend him on facebook so that he could “gaze at me from afar.” Then he never called me again, and could be gazing at me as we speak.

What he has to gaze at. Mmmmm If I were a man I’d want some of that too.

That is all for today! I am sorry for the long absence, the 10 of you who look at this! I SWEAR that I am almost done with Fifty Shades, and am very much looking forward to making fun of it.

See? This is my copy. The pink tabs are for when the sex happens. The other tabs are for when the book is ridiculous and awful.

Later!

-Tara

OKCupid: Where I go so that men can shout at me

I joined OKCupid. I broke down. I feel like the internet knows when you’re single, even if you’re not continually listening to “All By Myself” on youtube, or buying copious amounts of Jack Daniels from online liquor outlets. I finally cracked after getting one too many “Your true love is out there…and if you don’t join our site, you will NEVER FIND HIM.” emails.

You reach a point in your life where you find yourself saying, “Eventually my best friend is going to get married, and I at least want a date to take to her wedding so I don’t have to awkwardly go over to catch the bouquet with all of the teenage girls.” Bouquet throwing rituals are awkward for me anyways because i’m two feet taller than all the other girls and everyone assumes i’m cheating.

So, why did I choose OKcupid? Why not Match.com, or Eharmony? Well, I went to the better, more accredited site, match.com at first, but backed out as soon as they wanted me to pay before they would let me talk to anyone. It turns out that when it comes to love, I’m pretty cheap and am willing to try other alternatives first before I resort to using GOOD dating sites:

Under career he put: Game developer. Seems legit.

Everyone told me, “You get what you pay for Tara!” and I said, “Nonsense! I’ll meet a great guy, and he’ll take me on dates, and we’ll get married, and we’ll be on dating website commercials where we’ll talk about how wonderful OKcupid is in a voiceover over images of us holding each other while we giggle and smile!”

Someday i’ll get mad when you don’t change your facebook “relationship” status fast enough.

Well, it turns out that you get what you pay for. And on OK cupid, you don’t pay a dime! Although, they do have a ‘premium feature” where YOU DO pay, but I honestly don’t know how they can possibly improve. For instance, when they find someone they think will be REALLY good for you they call it a “Quiver match”. Get it!? Because of CUPID!!???

First of all, OKcupid forces me to acknowledge just how shallow I am. I look at  a man’s picture first, then height, then I actually read the profile. In my defense, I don’t automatically dismiss a man based on either of these traits, but if they are a lot shorter than me I am forced to envision our possible life together as a ridiculously named, terrible 80’s sitcom:

A new comedy featuring the most unlikely couple, “The tall and short of it!”

The next thing you notice about OKcupid is that they have a percentage system which is not so much informative as it is baffling. Couple this with the fact that everyone is able to choose their own ridiculous nicknames, and this is what you see:

“HotDAWG77 is a 75% match for you, a 65%friend for you, and a 21% enemy for you.” And if your enemy% is higher than 30% OKcupid offers these words of wisdom: “Y’all got issues.”

No, the percentages don’t add up to 100, why do you ask?

The “enemy” percentage is particularly confusing to me because I don’t know what criteria they use to judge it. I keep waiting to run across my 100% percent enemy. My hope is that in his profile picture he’s twirling a handle bar mustache.

This is the photo that I used:

Nice.

In the interest of full disclosure however, I should have also posted this one:

65%match, 70%friend, 6%enemy, 100% FOX.

One of the strange things about OKcupid is that a lot of the men send me ALL CAPS MESSAGES. In my profile I wrote many witty and charming things, but one detail I included about myself was that I have very few enemies. This is true. My life is as far away from a soap opera as you can get. So one evening shortly after joining the site I received this gem: “IS IT TRUE WHAT YOUR PROFILE SAYS? THAT YOU GET ALONG WITH EVERYONE? BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T ANSWER ME YOU ARE MY NUMBER ONE ENEMY IN THE WORLD.” Naturally, I messaged him back, and our wedding is scheduled for the spring.

Even more alluring than his persuasion was his total lack of details when I went to his page. He had no photos (see, I’m super shallow), no personal description whatsoever, and the only personal detail he had added at all was that he was 41. I’m not going to suggest that he is absolutely a serial killer, but I am going to post this unrelated picture:

PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET TARA!

I don’t understand this tactic. I’ve never been on a date where someone yelled at me. “HI, I’M SO GLAD WE’RE FINALLY DOING THIS!! I HOPE YOU LIKE CHINESE!!HAHAHA!”

So it’s been going…ok. I’ve gotten a few nice messages, and a surprising number of guys have messaged me. The only thing I can say about online dating is that so far… it isn’t a lot easier than real dating. So if you’re thinking that you can escape all of the awkwardness of real life dating when you go to the internet, you will be disappointed. It is not a magic bullet.

Also, I have no idea how I’m stacking up to the other girls on this site because OKcupid won’t show you girls. I can’t tell how I measure up. Maybe I need more duck face photos. Just so that my attractive upper lip hair is especially visible.

Later!

Tara