Why does this happen every year now? Every year I get older, Christmas season goes by faster and faster. As of this Tara Tuesday, it is now only one week before Christmas! Remember when you were a kid, and it took FOREVER for Christmas to get here, and you would stare longingly at the presents under the tree? You would count them, and pick them up and shake them, to try and guess what they were? These days, I don’t even know if there are presents for me under the tree at all! I mean I assume there are, only my mom and I wrap presents around this house, and some of the presents under the tree are unfamiliar. So I gotta assume some of them are mine and not my brother’s.
Although it’s possible that they’re all for him. As I’ve told you in the past, he is the perfect one.
I’ve gotten all of the presents for my immediate family, but haven’t progressed any farther than that. That fact is in itself pretty impressive since my family is hard to shop for. My brother only wants video games, my dad doesn’t tell anybody what he wants until like a week before Christmas, and my mom only wants boring, practical, mom-presents.
Mom, I want to give you a gift. You have nurtured me, physically and emotionally my whole life. It is because of your guidance that I am the woman I am today. Here’s that toaster you wanted.
There have also been like a thousand Christmas parties. It’s not a big deal or anything, but I’m pretty amazingly popular.The first one I went to was the Christmas party for my church group.
There was a gingerbread house making contest. We wore ugly Christmas Sweaters, there was hot chocolate. Basically it was like we were shooting a perfect TV Christmas Special.
The main highlight of that party was the gingerbread house making contest. I was partnered up with my Bible study group leader, David. We learned quickly that he was there win no matter what it took. Our brilliant teamwork was astonishing: David:”Alright Tara, we’re going for the “tallest” prize here, and I think we can get it really tall if we make a series of ascending triangles.” Me: “Oh my gosh, this is icing is “Peppermint” flavored! I didn’t know they sold that!!!”
David spent the competition pondering what graham cracker formation would provide the most structural integrity. I spent the completion eating the peppermint frosting.
We won the competition because David was dedicated, and because we went for the award of “tallest gingerbread house”
I’m good at things that involve “tallest”.
Then last week I went to the Christmas get together of one of my old college buddies. We mostly just drank alcoholic eggnog and watched Christmas movies at this one, but that was entertaining enough in itself for reasons that I will now explain:
I have a good friend from college named Merced, who I suspect did not have a traditional childhood. Merced was born in the United States, but he spent most of his childhood living in Mexico on a ranch with his grandfather. I don’t know exactly what he did on that ranch, but it didn’t include watching American children’s programming, because he has almost no knowledge of that segment of pop culture. I can’t ever have a nostalgic, “Oh man, remember that awesome cartoon from when we were kids?” conversation with him because he will say, “No, I was on a ranch in Mexico.”
Which is why I ended up having to explain the classic Christmas movie, “Home Alone” to him when we started watching it at the party.
Merced: “What is'”Home Alone”?
Me: “It’s a movie where this little boy gets left home alone on Christmas, and two robbers try to break into the kid’s house, and he tries to stop them.”
Merced:”So wait, are they pedophiles?”
Me:”No no! They’re just trying to rob him.”
Merced:”Why is that a Christmas movie!?”
Much more Sinister when taken out of context.
Now for those of you who don’t remember, later in the film there is a scene where Harry and Marv almost hit Kevin with their van, and then they follow him down the street.
Because of course a kid won’t notice a big creepy van inching behind him.
This prompted Merced to ask,
“Wait, two men are now following a small boy in a big gray van, I though you said they aren’t pedophiles.”
Me: “THIS ISN’T GOING WHERE YOU THINK IT’S GOING!”
Other person at the party: “You should see how bad they are in the sequel.”
Merced:”Wait, this happens AGAIN!? Why hasn’t this kid been taken away from his parents?!”
So that was fun. I’ll never look at Home Alone with the same innocence again. Or be able to tolerate Home Alone 2 ever again.
Literally EXACTLY the same story, but now with Tim Curry.
The next party I went to was last weekend when my family and I had to drive to Austin for my Uncle’s big, combo Christmas/50th birthday Party. The festivities started with my mom telling my dad as we climbed into the car, “Now Paul, I absolutely FORBID you from killing us all in a horrible car wreck on the way to Austin, because I’ll be extremely embarrassed if our family has to come into our house after we die and see how dirty it is right now.” And then I said,“And I FORBID you because I just finished paying off this car last week!”
That’s the holiday spirit!
Austin is such a hip city. I knew we were in Austin when we drove past a car on the interstate that said, “Ve gan Do it!” Then later during our visit we walked past an outdoor restaurant where everyone was drinking orange juice out of mason jars.
Every moment in Austin is like a perpetual pinterest photo.
I used this particular Christmas party as an excuse to dress nice. I wore a skirt and nice jewelry, and when I emerged from the bathroom my dad told me, “Oohhh, you look like a hostess at a fancy Stake House.”
Ummmm thank you?
This is what I actually looked like. You might notice the two drinks I’m holding. Don’t get excited, only one is mine, and it’s milk. I am the most boring 24 year old ever.
The thing about Christmas Parties is that usually there is lots of drinking (again, in Austin I missed out on this) and lots of food. Oh there was so much food.
I spent a lot of time in this room.
And more food.
And MORE food.
I decided that it would be against party etiquette to take the whole pot of tamales into a closet somewhere and eat them all myself.
So I’ve spent a lot of December so far getting fatter. I think maybe one of my blog projects in the New Year will be trying out all the different classes at the gym. I’ve slacked off when it comes to going to the gym, and I do believe in staying fit, active, and healthy. Not now though…now is the time for more consumption.
Mmmm this is worth the diabetes I’ll have in 30 years.