Everyone I know is getting engaged lately. And this is great! More power to you, i’m happy for everyone, it’s just that…
I am not good at weddings. It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that they are awkward for me. Let me explain, here are the four ways that I am not good at weddings.
There is never going to be a time when I participate in a bouquet tossing ceremony where everyone doesn’t think I’m cheating. I can’t help it that I’m taller than everyone else, but all of the other girls look at me with expressions that just scream, “This is unfair, you need to kneel down or something.” This ceremony is boring anyways. When I get married I’m going to “toss” my bouquet with a T-Shirt launcher. Just to keep things interesting.
2.Bridal party pictures of shoes.
The thing where all of the girls in the wedding party and the bride lift up their dresses to show off their awesome shoes.
It’s a trend now. Every time I see a group of wedding photos there is always one like this. I hate this trend, because of, you know…
Giant feet. Do you want this in your wedding photos? I didn’t think so.
When my best friend gets married, and I am a bridesmaid, one thing on my list of goals for that wedding is to prevent anyone from trying to take one of these photos. Because no one needs to see my giant feet in my one pair of favorite heels that I found 6 years ago and will not get rid of because I can’t find any others. I don’t hate shoes, it’s just that it’s not even worth it for me to look at them. Sometimes when I’m in a shoe store with a friend the sales person will rush up to me and ask if they can help me. I say no, I love the shoes but they won’t have my size. “Well what is your size???” “13.” “Oh well, no. But we have an 11!” ummmm good for you?
Me looking at shoes would be like a diabetic chocolate lover working in Willy Wonka’s factory. Why torture yourself?
3.Dressing for weddings.
Even if you’re not getting married, and even if you’re not in the wedding at all, everyone wants to look hot when they go to a wedding. It is an occasion for lookin’ good.
This is how I dressed to go to my cousin Jenna’s wedding. Please ignore the way I’m awkwardly sticking out my chest in this photo.
I think my wedding wardrobe has improved over the years, and even though I only own like two pairs of fancy shoes I manage to turn myself out in style for weddings these days. This has not always been the case however. I went to my first wedding when I was Eight years old and my uncle Dan married my Aunt Mindy. This is on the Niendorff side of the family. The Niendorff family knows how to throw a good party, but our special occasions or family milestones often turn out to be a comedy of errors. The Niendorff’s are not afraid to do ridiculous things for the sake of comedy, and the self-deprecating style of humor that I have developed comes from that side. If a Niendorff is in a situation where someone says, “Hey, do this ridiculous thing, or put on this ridiculous outfit, it will be funny!” We’re like, “YES. Tell everyone. Camera. Now.”
Why yes, that is me wearing a snuggie and a chef’s hat in the middle of target, why do you ask?
So much so that if I’m in a situation with someone else and they WON’T do silly things out of vanity I always feel like saying, “What’s the matter with you? This is how comedy happens, now put on the damn sombrero.”
Anyways though, back to the point. When my Uncle Dan got married I sort of wore a dress to the wedding that still had the anti-theft security tag on it. The one that they put on expensive things, and have to remove at the store. It was a special dress that my mom got at Dillards. She fixed my hair, and put me in my fancy dress. Then when she sent me off to go show Grandma, Grandma noticed the big tag hanging off one side, and undoubtedly assumed that her son had married a thief. This was not the case. The store forgot to remove the tag, and I had no choice but to go to the wedding as is. I thought it was funny, because I’m a Niendorff, and we think things like that are funny. My mom was not amused, and spent the rest of the wedding planning all of the things she was going to yell at the Dillards employees when we got back to San Antonio. So what I’m saying is, I don’t have a whole lot of luck when it comes to dressing smartly for weddings.
4.Bizarre preoccupation with the cake.
Another thing that happened at my Uncle Dan’s wedding was that I discovered my love for wedding cake. It’s embarrassing. There’s really no reason for me to be this interested in it, but it’s always one of the things that I’m most excited about when I find out I’m going to a wedding. It will probably be one of the things I get most excited about planning for my wedding.
Oh my gosh, that is just grotesquely opulent. I love it. So much sugar. So much frosting. All for me.
I just love cake. Go ahead and judge me. And a cake that looks really pretty too? Forget about it, I freak out.
My Cousins wedding. Of course I took a picture of just the cake. Obviously.
When my cousin Jenna got married last summer she gave me the official duty of cutting and passing out the cake. This was both appropriate and unwise, because during the whole exercise I kept thinking, “No no, stop taking the cake I’m cutting! I want some for me too!”
The day after my Uncle Dan got married we went over to his house for breakfast, and I asked if there was any cake left. My new Aunt told me, “Yes, but only a little bit in the freezer.” At the time I didn’t know about the tradition where couples save a piece of cake to eat together on their one year anniversary, and so I was all like, “Well what the heck is it doing in the freezer, let’s get it out and eat it!”
So this is my experience with weddings so far. I hope that the weddings I go to now as an adult will be fun, and as long as I don’t go to anymore weddings in dresses that still have security tags on them, I should do alight.